One Down.

Yet another meeting in the town hall on Monday and once again the main topic on the agenda for the vast majority of those present was the continuing presence of the Cornetto Kid. You'd think by now, would you not, that he and his rabid mob of supporters would have thrown in the towel but no. The absurd sight of pompous and deluded Mare, Ma McHardy attempting to save his bacon once again left most onlookers incredulous and the question in many people's minds was: what hold does he have over them?
Bizarrely, The Kid was absent from this meeting and there was an unsettling atmosphere of smug self satisfaction amongst the 'Town Hall Mob'; they clearly felt they had a couple of aces up their sleeves and it didn't take long before they were smacked down on the table: they'd taken 'legal advice' and the resolution to rid ourselves of the convicted Williams was, they said invalid. In the end, largely due to public pressure and the excellent work of Councillor Pearson, this was shown to be incorrect and the smugness evaporated.
When questioned about her own involvement with a company called Foss Island Media which was until very recently, registered at her address and of which the Cornetto Kid is a Director, she became flustered and defensive and refused to answer any questions, insisting they should be written in long hand and sent to the council office - so much for clarity and openness!!

Anyway - for the time being at least - the Cornetto Kid may no longer sit on the F&GP committee and I guess Mad Ma McHardy took a bit of calming down after the meeting!

Meet The Town Hall Mob No 4 Andrew (Andy) Williams AKA The Cornetto Kid

Who is he?

Leader of the Town Hall Mob and well known crooner

What Does He Do?

He Chairs the finance committee. No he doesn't. Yes he does, no he doesn't.

The interview:

The PUN caught up with the Cornetto Kid by chance as he was coming out of the public toilets (he seems to have a very weak bladder) but he didn't want to give us an interview: "No, no, NO." he squeaked "I ain't tellin' ya nothin' see? He was running his finger tips over the six guns in his leather holster. "You said my record was terrible  so Ma says I'm not to talk to you so there". The record in question is of course (Andy's) 6 Biggest Hits album of 2010 which you will remember was reviewed on these pages. "Anyway, you wait an' see: I'm gonna make 'em make me top chief cowboy of the council agin or else I'll scweem an sweem an' scweem until I'm sick……an' I can.  "Now git outa here before I reload - I shot all my bullets off at some varmint in there" he nods towards the gents, "but it won't take but a minute to slip another one in the chamber".

At this point we felt it best to leave (We think it's only a cap gun but you never know do you!) so we headed of with our tails tucked safely between our legs.

Meet The Town Hall Mob No 3 - Unc Powell

Who is he?

Town Hall Mob 'member' and perfumier to (Andy) (Cornetto Kid) Williams

What does he do?

Agrees with (Andy).

The Interview:

Harb: Could you tell us……..

Unc: "AIN'T NO LAW-MAN around here gonna tell ma-boy (Andy) what to do; no sir Bub. (Andy) sez what he likes and I likes what he sez. Now some folks have been a sayin he's taken sup'n what don't belong to him and ah say whatever the boy wants, the boy can have. Some folks have bin sayin the kid shouldn't be on this ere council thing and ah say what the hot diggety dang has it got to do with them? This is OUR council and don't you forget it. We aint gonna stand for no greenhorn from east of Gallows Hill telling us what we can and can't do, no sireee, an if'n ah want to wipe (Andy's) bottom with my nose then aint nothin gonna stop me……less'n a course Ma gets there first.
So let's get this straight right now: WE run this town and what (Andy) sez goes; if ya don't like it then we gonna run ya outa town".

Meet The Town Hall Mob No 2

Pa McHardy

Who is he?

Hit man for the Town Hall Mob

What's his Modus operandi?

Jumping up and down and shouting a lot when he's had a few (he has a nasty line in dribbling too).

Distinguishing Features

He appears to have Tourette's Syndrome.

The Interview

Harb: 'So Pa: how are you enjoying life as the Mare's consort?'

Pa: Ooo are you callin a fookin conshort you fookin coont? Sorry Ma.

Harb: I simply meant…….

Pa: Ah'll fookin kill ya, ah'll fookin blow ya away ya fookin coont. Sorry Ma.

Harb: Pa - could I ask if you see Ma serving a second term?

Pa: Second fookin term? She's not been found guilty yet you fookin coont. Sorry Ma. Sorry Ma.

Harb: I meant second incumbency as Mare.

Pa: Who's fookin bent? Are you shaying Ma's fookin bent you fookin coont?

Harb: I think we'll leave it there!

Pa: I'll fookin show you - where's me fookin gun? YEEEHAAAR!

DING DONG

Good news everyone: your old chum Harbinger has decided to marry! A huge disappointment for some of you prettier ladies out there I know but this is a match made in…………..Fleet street. That's right - following her recent and timely elevation to the post of Gruaniad Editor she can't help feeling we are now the perfect couple and I must confess - I'm bound to agree with the lass. The happy girl is of course the lovely, the luscious, the fragrant Katharine Vyner - soon to be Katharine Harbinger so we'll have a new contributor to the jolly old PUN . It could be a longish engagement as old Harb is a little busy what with one thing and another but you'll be the third to know of developments.

Here's me and the future Mrs H on our last trip together to the metropolis.

Meet the Town Hall Mob No' 1

No 1. Ma McHardy:

Who is she?

temporary leader of the Town Hall Mob.

What does she do?

Dresses up as a gangster's moll and parades about the town.

Is she married?

Yes….sorry guys: There is a Pa McHardy who will feature in a future edition of 'Meet The Town Hall Mob'.

The interview:

Harb: So Ma - what are your plans for Ripon?

McHardy: Ooo you are presooomptuous yoong man - I'm the Very Raight Worshipful The Lady Mareship of Ripon I'll 'ave yew know; I take exemption to your familarity, hand any road up - it's not wot I can do for Ripon, but wot Ripon can do for ME.

Harb: Ah yes, well, tell us about your day.

McHardy: We get oop early and while Pa polishes may Mare's accoutrements I lay in the bath lovingly soaping myself all hoever and phone ower (Andy) to find out what ee's wearin - ee wouldn't want us to clash. Do you know (Andy)? Such a lovely, lovely, lovely boy and ee didn't do hany of the things the police and the judge and heveryone sez ee did because ee's hever so naice.
I go into my plushly appointed front lounge-room and wait for (Andy) - he likes to come into my front lounge-room. When ee harrives we 'ave a Nescafe together (Gold Blend) and look at ower diary to see what freebies invitations we're going to attend because aim the Mare and hever so impotent. After that we practice a bit of marching oop and down wearing ower chains ((Andy) wears Pa's chains 'cos Pa's not allowed in may front Lounge-room 'cos ee's all rough and spills 'is wayne heverywhere).
After that hit's one long round of freebies, engagements - dinners, teas, that kind of stuff. Sometimes we 'ave to go to classicalist music things but that can be a bit boring and then it's bedtime….(Andy) goes home. That's it really - I ham very impotent.

Harb: Thank you Your Very Right Worshipful The Lady Mareness.

As told to the editor

En Famille

Apparently there's a bit of chat going about Ripon that some of the councillors might be related - RIDICULOUS!

Hunter Home From The Hill

Well it HAS been a long time hasn't it playmates but here I am back in the hold homestead once again, a tin of Heinz finest bubbling away on the two ringer, a glass of mildly intoxicating beverage to hand and an unquenched appetite for local news. I've only been back five minutes and I need a new battery for the doorbell already - WOW, hasn't everyone been busy! Much has changed since my last prophetic posts but a lot remains unchanged.

Send me all your finest and juiciest bits and I'll share and share alike. All Ye Best…..Harb.