Barking

Ripon Mare and well known crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams let his dog Judy - Chairdog of Greater Ripon Impotent Persons Executive (GRIPE), off her lead again at a meeting in the town hall last week. After twenty minutes scampering around, pissing on the carpet and trying to hump an ex Mare's leg, she started barking uncontrollably:

"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.

"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.

"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.

"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.

"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.

"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."

Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.

In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.