Evening All

As the seasons change and winter breathes its last gasp; almost unnoticed on Kirkgate (Ripon's shambles) appear those brightly coloured harbingers of spring: the police van. Litter swirls in their wake and settles back onto the deserted street. It is early Friday evening. No-one is about to witness their arrival save a few hardened drinkers in the Royal Oak, the odd Hopperesque diner and Harbinger, wobbling back to the rank from an evening of prayer and contemplation.

The local Plod heave themselves out of their stripy cocoons and swarm down urine scented alleyways, then all is quiet; what could they be searching for at this time of the evening and who is so dangerous that he requires three vans to bring him in; is it a drugs raid, or are they searching for the elusive crooner and Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams?  Williams, as you will know by now has been arrested, allegedly in connection with the disappearance of public funds (nicking dosh) and yet he's still holding on to his shiny chain.

 You'd think, wouldn't you, that given the furore surrounding his arrest he would have immediately handed over the chains of office and stepped down from all public engagements but no! You can't get rid of (Andy) that easily. As the plod waddle up the wrong alley, Teflon (Andy) is no doubt cowering in the bushes awaiting the moment to slither back into the council chamber wearing an oleaginous smirk and the contents of his 'Mare's Dressing Up Box'. Imagine for a moment if you will, that (Andy) is innocent of the charge; that he is as pure in thought and deed as a new-born lamb gambolling in a Spring meadow: would it still not be the right thing to do to protect the office of Ripon Mare he professes to hold in such high esteem? As it is, he has not only tarnished the position by association with the charge, but also made it an object of derision. STEP DOWN NOW (Andy) limit the damage and do us all a favour.

Barking

Ripon Mare and well known crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams let his dog Judy - Chairdog of Greater Ripon Impotent Persons Executive (GRIPE), off her lead again at a meeting in the town hall last week. After twenty minutes scampering around, pissing on the carpet and trying to hump an ex Mare's leg, she started barking uncontrollably:

"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.

"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.

"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.

"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.

"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.

"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."

Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.

In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.

Does my head look big in this?

Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams. 

Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.

Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.

Problems Snowball

The perennial and you might rightly think, tedious topic of parking has raised its head again, though not in its usual guise of 'Why can't we park all over the market square'. No...... this time there is a new twist to the saga. A small row is brewing over on Twitter about Cllr Andrew (Andy) Williams, Ripon crooner & current Mare and the fact that he has his own designated parking space on the south (pedestrianised) side of the square. 'Why should he have a parking space at all,' it was asked, 'is he, in some way, better than the rest of us?' (insert your own answer here!)
But then another grain of sand was introduced into (Andy's) Vaseline: Not only does he use the space to park for official business, alleged the Tweeter, but also when drinking in what was described as 'Spoons.
So, the question should be asked.....If he is using his space whilst sipping at a Snowball or two, should he not be doing so in one of the many independent drinking establishments in the town rather than putting his money in the till of a Watford based company and its distant and, no doubt, minted shareholders?

Here he is with his official chauffeur rolling in for another 'sesh' at 'Spoons: "A Snowball and a half shandy for my driver landlord!"

Addendum: This is not the only storm kicking off over in Twitter-land.......
See here

Twits?

So Ripon City Council are now on Facebook and Twitter! A step in the right direction would you say? Perhaps it will be utilised as an open forum for debate - a place where the people of the town can air their views and get a response; or perhaps it will simply be yet another opportunity for councillors to post photos of themselves dressed up like a herd of pantomime dames (collective noun for pantomime dames?? A widow of dames - a twanky - a stage?). Of course, most people do use social media such as this for verbal twattery and posting pictures of themselves and friends looking ridiculous but since this is the default position of our esteemed (sic) council it would be nice to see them taking a new direction.

I've just had a comment from Anon asking is this a picture of the Ripon Mare. Don't be silly Anon - it looks nothing like the Mare; this is he:

Busy Errr.......

Ripon Mare & crooner Andrew (ANDY) Williams and his backing group, The Serviettes were in concert in the town hall last night and although no-one attended, (Andy) said 'It a huge success and everyone enjoyed themselves and I wore my chain and my furry collar and I polished my shoes and parked in my special parking place on the market square which is only for me because I'm the Mare of Ripon and when you are impotent you have to look impotent. I stand at the front because I'm the most impotent and the Serviettes stand a bit behind me. I've got a hat as well'.

After the flop of his 'Greatest Hits album three years ago (Andy's) latest release 'Busy Doin' Nothing Again' is set to sell four copies and go plastic. You can snap up your copy at the pound shop remainder bin.

New Dawn

The day breaks oe'r yonder hill and I must make haste and be about the daily grind.

This distant view of our absurd little town from my humble abode, an outsiders view if you like, only serves to clarify and magnify its faults and foibles. It's a town of taxi driver mentality, ruled over and shat upon by the old order of puffed up nepotists for whom change is anathema; reported upon and held to account by no-one.
Williams, Bateman, Skidmore, Horton, Hawke et al have stood in the path of progress for so long that we have become blind to it, and now the inertia, the acceptance of status quo, has insinuated itself into all aspects of political and commercial life. Even the silly, timid shopkeepers are afraid to attempt anything that hasn't been tried and failed before.
It may be that the ills that afflict this little town are simply a reflection of the greater ills that dog the country as a whole, but is that a reason to continue stumbling drunkenly down a blind alley?
We must get rid of the old order before anything can move forward. They have the gaul to continue to put themselves up for election so vote the buggers out at the earliest opportunity - we will all be the better for it.

Having A Lovely Time

Ripon crooner and Lord Mare, Andrew (Andy) Williams, has been informing the world (well, the Ripon Gazette reader) that he's having a lovely time dressing up and going to things. He's been to concerts & tea parties, tombolas & scout jamborees. He's been at pirate parties and he's done a bit of standing on the market square; and all this, on our behalf! he has, he informs his reader, been to meetings too......Well whoopdidoodle!
What Harbinger would like to hear about is accomplishment, implementation, achievements, successes; even some failures. ACTION is what we want to hear about, not tea parties. There's a hell of a lot to do in this town before anyone can pat themselves on the back and march up and down in self congratulation.
Did he read, one wonders, the article by the sweet and fragrant Katharine Viner in the Gruaniad? Did he consider that it might be he and his cronies who are "giving the word 'civic' a bad name"? One suspects not - Does my arse look big in this?

So just as Nero fiddled while Rome went up in smoke, (Andy) fiddles with himself whilst Ripon sinks.

The Shit's about to hit the fan (Andy) so stand WELL clear!

Who the hell is Harbinger?

So! What's been going on since I've been away? Mr Broon was shot down in his prime by the Eton Rifles - who'd have thought it? The Eurozone has gone in to meltdown - who'd have thought it? And the end of the world wasn't quite so 'nigh' as we were led to believe - who'd ...........

Ripon cathedral has some lovely new glass doors and some flower planters. Well done them.
The lovely old Well's building is finally being brought back to life after how many years?
And we have a new mayor. No......wait a minute........It's Andrew 'Andy' Williams, the oleaginous crooner who's 'turn' has unfortunately come round again.

 Here he is at a recent concert in aid of 'Andy', with his new backing group, 'The Serviettes'

'Andy's' desire to do nothing, with a chain round his neck, knows no bounds it seems, and it has even reached the attention of 'The Gruaniad':

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2012/jun/19/olympic-torch-olympics-2012  More about this later.

The all new, slightly smaller, slightly bigger, but almost empty Ripon Gazette's laudable campaign to free Gregg's doughnut  has it seems, stalled, as the hapless comestible still languishes in clink without charge:

From what we can gather from Gregg himself, the doughnut is being held in cells at the old prison behind the cathedral. 'He is being reasonably well treated', said Gregg, 'but he has lost a lot of jam'.

Harbinger will be investigating the case and if necessary contacting Amnesty.

There are some sad losses to the town: Great Northern Wine is no more, the short lived Cafe Flo in Kirkgate has sprouted wings and er.....Flo wn, and the oleaginous crooner Andrew 'Andy' Williams has  left office as Ripon mayor..........Oh no; wait a minute.

On the up side we have a new wine bar on Duck Hill in the shape of 'Scoffy's', a smart new cafe is about to open its doors in the aforementioned Well's building in Fishergate and Harbinger hears that a new bar and grill will open soon in a 'tippetytop secret' location on the market square. Ooooooh!