The Big Fight

As reported in the Ripon Gazette, the big fight this week was a light heavyweight contest between in the red corner, the Unbelievably Reverend, John Packer, Bishop of Ripon & Leeds, known to his followers simply as 'The Bish' and in the blue corner, the peoples favourite, local MP and heavily manicured, Julian 'Smiffy' Smith.  At the weigh-in 'The Bish' appeared out of shape, mixing his metaphors and even beginning a sentence with a preposition; whereas 'Smiffy' looked every inch the champ: 'I'm all over it' he said, 'The Bish is outclassed, I'll 'ave 'im in the fifth'.

'You can go to hell', shouted 'The Bish' and threw a limp left hook which almost knocked over a glass of holy water. The pair had to be separated in what, it has to be said, was an unseemly and ill-disiplined fracas.

Trouble at the weigh-in

The Pun had caught up with 'The Bish's' trainer earlier in the week and asked what special coaching he had done:
'It's not about trainin' see?' Said God, It's about diet; of course he has the lamb of God but added to that I've got my boy eating lots of fish on a Friday see, it's BRAIN food and there's no doubt that in the end he shall overcome'.

The fight began tentatively with 'The Bish' attempting to Lord it over the commoner 'Smiffy' but even in the first couple of rounds it soon became clear that 'The Bish's' arguments weren't going to stand up for long. 'The introduction of the welfare Cap is morally wrong,' he spluttered 'in fact I'm against ALL forms of contraception for those on benefits -  after all, where would the church be without poor people to bully guide?'

There was a bit of tussling on the ropes and a few low blows were exchanged but in the end 'Smiffy's' argument that the feckless should work and think for themselves  carried the biggest punch and ahead of prediction 'The Bish' went down in the third. 'Get up,' screamed trainer God from the corner, 'smite him like I showed ya, SMITE HIM'. In truth it never looked like he was going to get up again despite promises from God about a bigger house and the Bishopric of Bath & Wells.

A jubilant 'Smiffy' said afterwards 'I knew we was on a winner - e didn't train ard enough and e was never going to stay the distance - e put too much faith in a diet of fish - it's The Cod Delusion see?'

Smiffy celebrates his win

Knockout In The Twelfth, The 'Dream Team' Reign Supreme!

The Champ' In Buoyant Mood After The Fight. It came as no surprise to most that when it came to the final rounds, the challenger ‘Mad’ Mackintosh was found wanting. Lacking the experience of seasoned campaigner St Bernard, he punched himself out in the early stages, putting all his faith in the knockout ‘official complaint’. When this failed to materialise it was only a matter of time.
After the eleventh round knock down ‘Mad’ retired to his corner; some say the referee should have stopped it there, but Mad came out again for the twelfth.
The leaflets flew backwards and forwards but only those of the champion carried any real conviction and weight, St Bernard was a man possessed. ‘Skidders’ roared encouragement and instructions from the corner, Mrs St B. threw brickbats from ringside but there was really no need; the knockout blow when it came, was devastating......967 votes to 238!

My colleague managed to catch up with coach ‘Skidders’ after the fight:

Interviewer: ‘Skidders’, how do you read the later rounds?’

Skidders, ‘It was all over surprisin’ quick. My boy was hall over im, ee didn’t stand a chance’.

Interviewer: ‘And what’s next for the champ?’

Skidders: ‘Eees goin’ to ave an hoperation, then the world is is hoister.’

Interviewer: ‘When he woke up, the challenger was talking of a re-match, would you consider it?’

Skidders: ‘My boy as nuffin to prove, ees the reignin champ, but if ‘Mad’s’ still haround in four years; whell, whe’d ave to see….’

Interviewer: Skidders, thank you’.

St Bernard ‘V’ ‘Mad’ Mackintosh Pre Fight Predictions

The long awaited and much talked about super-heavyweight fight between current champion and heavily fancied (St) Bernard Bateman of Melmerby and the little known, though some say ‘useful’ challenger ‘Mad’ Mackintosh of Kirkgate, Ripon takes place shortly. The match will be decided over several weeks with two stiff letters to the Gazette, six emails or an injunction deciding the winner.
Pre fight shenanigans have begun already with accusations of political misconduct being bandied about at the weigh-in, so it should be a great fight for the lucky ones who have managed to secure tickets for what is already a sell-out.
St Bernard is predicting an early win and the none too generous price of 1-3 currently being offered by Ladbrokes seems to confirm his view but of course there have been upsets in the past and the lesser known challenger certainly shouldn’t be written off and at 2-1 might make a more attractive bet.
Pundits are suggesting that the more experienced and heavier St Bernard should despatch the challenger within the first couple of rounds but others point out that ‘Mad’ is punching well above his weight and may well spring a surprise in the form of a cleverly addressed and well timed email.
Whatever the outcome you can be sure that the PUN will be at ringside to bring you the latest information.