The Big Fight

As reported in the Ripon Gazette, the big fight this week was a light heavyweight contest between in the red corner, the Unbelievably Reverend, John Packer, Bishop of Ripon & Leeds, known to his followers simply as 'The Bish' and in the blue corner, the peoples favourite, local MP and heavily manicured, Julian 'Smiffy' Smith.  At the weigh-in 'The Bish' appeared out of shape, mixing his metaphors and even beginning a sentence with a preposition; whereas 'Smiffy' looked every inch the champ: 'I'm all over it' he said, 'The Bish is outclassed, I'll 'ave 'im in the fifth'.

'You can go to hell', shouted 'The Bish' and threw a limp left hook which almost knocked over a glass of holy water. The pair had to be separated in what, it has to be said, was an unseemly and ill-disiplined fracas.

Trouble at the weigh-in

The Pun had caught up with 'The Bish's' trainer earlier in the week and asked what special coaching he had done:
'It's not about trainin' see?' Said God, It's about diet; of course he has the lamb of God but added to that I've got my boy eating lots of fish on a Friday see, it's BRAIN food and there's no doubt that in the end he shall overcome'.

The fight began tentatively with 'The Bish' attempting to Lord it over the commoner 'Smiffy' but even in the first couple of rounds it soon became clear that 'The Bish's' arguments weren't going to stand up for long. 'The introduction of the welfare Cap is morally wrong,' he spluttered 'in fact I'm against ALL forms of contraception for those on benefits -  after all, where would the church be without poor people to bully guide?'

There was a bit of tussling on the ropes and a few low blows were exchanged but in the end 'Smiffy's' argument that the feckless should work and think for themselves  carried the biggest punch and ahead of prediction 'The Bish' went down in the third. 'Get up,' screamed trainer God from the corner, 'smite him like I showed ya, SMITE HIM'. In truth it never looked like he was going to get up again despite promises from God about a bigger house and the Bishopric of Bath & Wells.

A jubilant 'Smiffy' said afterwards 'I knew we was on a winner - e didn't train ard enough and e was never going to stay the distance - e put too much faith in a diet of fish - it's The Cod Delusion see?'

Smiffy celebrates his win

Polish attack victim admits 'My head got in the way'.

So the latest (reported) violence at 'Ripon's only nightclub' has hit the pages of the Harrogate Gazette. The victim of the 'totally unprovoked attack' was described as male, Polish (serves him right then!), wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, had a broken nose, a couple of black eyes and blood all over the front of his shirt.......The attackers were described as 'white & young'!!! Keep an eye out for them folks; they sound distinctive.

Nightclub owner, Christopher Ian's son said: 'They were all having a lovely time bless them, so I sold them another couple of alco poppy drinks each at almost no profit to myself'.

"The Barracks are Closing, The Barracks are Closing!"

As someone so appositely observed recently: 'Ripon has long needed (and deserves) a kick up the arse'. Those of us on its periphery have watched it sliding slowly and inevitably into decline - shops closing at an alarming rate and morale plummeting. We have councillors too timid, stupid or self serving to realise that change is the only way forward, that doing nothing for many years has brought us to the dire situation we are in, yet fear of change has infected Ripon like a disease; it is a town wallowing in the 1950s.

Yes, we can sit back and blame Harrogate for the mess we're in and of course HBC is creaming off all funding and feathering their already opulent nest, you only had to witness their dazzling display of Christmas lights, compared to Ripon's four light bulbs and a cracker to realise that.  But what is the point in having a Ripon council at all if they do not have the insight, intelligence or eloquence to ensure Ripon gets its fair share, and indeed, now that it has slumped so far, MORE than its share? But most importantly, Ripon must be prepared to move forward and embrace change.

So what, if the army is pulling out? Ripon will no longer be a garrison town; GOOD! Does Richmond look more prosperous than Northallerton? And who in their right mind would wish to spend any more time than absolutely necessary in Catterick? The army's presence has done little to improve the quality of life in this town and it certainly hasn't saved it from economic collapse so perhaps their departure is the very kick up the arse it needs; it may even be the catalyst for regeneration - out with the old, in with the new.

So a fond farewell to the boys - missing you already!

Who DO They Think They're Kidding?

'I'm Doing The Right Thing', Says Christopher Ian's son

 In an exclusive interview with THE PUN, this week, Christopher Ian's son, owner of a Ripon fightclub nightclub, tells how he is helping to ensure that Anti Social Behaviour (ASB) could never happen at the renowned club.

I arrive in the early afternoon and I'm greeted by the Tall, sophisticated, terribly good looking and not in the least bit seedy figure of Christopher Ian's son, He is wearing a bespoke sweatshirt, trendy wrangler jeans & leather style shoes. He shows me round the club: "Of course we're very safety conscious here," he says, waving a long, finely manicured finger at the non slip carpet "Oh yes - the safety of my little soldiers is parachute." Beaming young staff are busy polishing glasses, dusting already spotless shelves & preparing for an evening of lighthearted fun. Christopher Ian's son beams back at them in a paternal way, "They all think I'm terribly good looking you know." But he says it in the most natural way, without a hint of conceit.

"What time does the club open," I ask.

"Oh, well if I can have two bites at the cherries I do: I have a feel for young people, so we like to greet the very young girls,  & boys of course, at about 6pm and I like to be hands on to make sure they have as lovely a time as possible, and then the bigger girls, and boys of course, arrive a little later. You see I wouldn't bother with this night club lark only the youngsters would have nowhere to go at night in their short skirts and lipstick and.......Anyway, I like to give them somewhere safe to "Chill" (He waves his fingers in the air) and I like to charge them very little money for their drinks, because I'm terribly kind.....and good looking."

He shows me the toilets which have an indefinable aroma of nostalgia that takes me back to my school days; they are, of course immaculate - the floor still very wet; no doubt from the mop bucket......."You can eat your dinner off the floor in here if you'd like?" says Christopher Ian's son, "Err, no thanks, I've already eaten".

"Do you know," he says, "I don't think anyone's wee'd in here for years - they don't like to spoil it, the little angels, they all do it outside."

On the subject of the young: does he consider them to be disenfranchised?

"Sometimes it may happen outside the club," he says, "the local paper said a girl was being disenchanfrised behind a local restaurant," "but certainly never inside, we're very strict on that sort of thing."

I ask him about the new signage he's put up - what do they say?

"Well, they've got writing on them" he tells me "Writing and some ticks: it'll mean they don't go outside and fight and wee and be poorly all over the place see?"

Outside the club, Christopher Ian's son has erected some railings which he tells me are for leaning on and things like that; he is, he tells me, 'in loco parentheses' whilst the club is open, but he has some stern words for the youngster's parents: "They're feeding them badly," he says, "forcing them to eat vegetables and things like that; well it makes 'em sick. We try and give them plenty of liquids to settle their tummy's but it's the same every weekend - carrots everywhere. Of course, they don't do it in the club, bless 'em; they do it outside, but that's not the point is it? Parents should take responsibility........I'm doing the right thing."

Yoof (addendum)

Hawke and I'Anson the 'brains'
behind Matrix under 18s night Ripon’s sticky floored Matrix was once again the venue for an under 18s club night last night. The ‘brainchild’ of Mayor Sid Hawke and ‘fully supported’ by night club owner Chris I’Anson (well it would be wouldn’t it?) these evenings have been hailed by the pair as ‘a great success’..…Really! And exactly what criteria are they using to gauge this success?
Once again last night the police control unit was parked in the market square and by 7.30pm there was a disproportionately large police presence outside the club including a police car, a police van, eight or ten police officers and judging by the hysterical shrieking of 'you can fuck off, You can FUCK OFF' a young lady was about to be taken into Her Majesty's care for the remainder of the evening. Who knows what had brought her to this emotional state but it may be, of course that someone was cheating during the 'Pass the Parcel'.
We see no reason why the already stretched tax payer should have to foot the bill in order to boost the profits at Mr I’Anson’s tacky establishment, nor do we see why children as young as 13 years of age should be exposed to the appalling language and behaviour that takes place with depressing regularity both inside and outside the club.

And here's the scene at 7.30pm: