The Big Fight

As reported in the Ripon Gazette, the big fight this week was a light heavyweight contest between in the red corner, the Unbelievably Reverend, John Packer, Bishop of Ripon & Leeds, known to his followers simply as 'The Bish' and in the blue corner, the peoples favourite, local MP and heavily manicured, Julian 'Smiffy' Smith.  At the weigh-in 'The Bish' appeared out of shape, mixing his metaphors and even beginning a sentence with a preposition; whereas 'Smiffy' looked every inch the champ: 'I'm all over it' he said, 'The Bish is outclassed, I'll 'ave 'im in the fifth'.

'You can go to hell', shouted 'The Bish' and threw a limp left hook which almost knocked over a glass of holy water. The pair had to be separated in what, it has to be said, was an unseemly and ill-disiplined fracas.

Trouble at the weigh-in

The Pun had caught up with 'The Bish's' trainer earlier in the week and asked what special coaching he had done:
'It's not about trainin' see?' Said God, It's about diet; of course he has the lamb of God but added to that I've got my boy eating lots of fish on a Friday see, it's BRAIN food and there's no doubt that in the end he shall overcome'.

The fight began tentatively with 'The Bish' attempting to Lord it over the commoner 'Smiffy' but even in the first couple of rounds it soon became clear that 'The Bish's' arguments weren't going to stand up for long. 'The introduction of the welfare Cap is morally wrong,' he spluttered 'in fact I'm against ALL forms of contraception for those on benefits -  after all, where would the church be without poor people to bully guide?'

There was a bit of tussling on the ropes and a few low blows were exchanged but in the end 'Smiffy's' argument that the feckless should work and think for themselves  carried the biggest punch and ahead of prediction 'The Bish' went down in the third. 'Get up,' screamed trainer God from the corner, 'smite him like I showed ya, SMITE HIM'. In truth it never looked like he was going to get up again despite promises from God about a bigger house and the Bishopric of Bath & Wells.

A jubilant 'Smiffy' said afterwards 'I knew we was on a winner - e didn't train ard enough and e was never going to stay the distance - e put too much faith in a diet of fish - it's The Cod Delusion see?'

Smiffy celebrates his win