Plodding Along

You may have heard that the middle class, moaning minnies in Kirkgate are getting fed up with the misunderstood youngsters from Matrix vomiting in the street, pissing in doorways and kicking shit out of each other in the evenings; typical - you'd think they'd never been young! They've been bleating to the local plod and trying to curry favour with our councillors via the medium of Twitter. 

You will be pleased to hear that the authorities in question are having none of it. In an exclusive interview for The Pun, Sgt Jewel of the local constabulary said, "Can you imagine sir, the amount of paperwork the lads would have to do, if we started arresting violent people sir?"  "Why sir, they'd be at it arf the night so they would sir.......You see sir: we, and the great British public, view paperwork as a waste of police time sir; so we try not to do any".

Harb tried to get an interview with the councillors responsible for the Kirkgate area, Councillors See No-Evil and See No-Evil but they were far to busy trying on dresses for the next procession to be bothered with such trivialities.

Easy Rider - the return

Things have changed and the once sedate streets of Ripon have become a dangerous place – mothers, hold on to your children and woe-betide the unwary. Traffic has increased ten-fold and it’s not just the bling encrusted taxi drivers, the truculent truck drivers, or the racing repmobiles that cause me to leap into doorways lest I be mown down; oh no! It’s the pedestrians……They’ve been motorised! Once a steady stream; now a raging torrent: the river of waist high grey heads race along grinning maniacally and tooting their horns. No need the little tartan shopping trolley now; cast aside the zimmer and the stick. Shopmobility has come to town with a vengeance, and there ain’t room in this town for the both of us. Bruce Springsteen should write the soundtrack to their ‘Re-born to be Wild’ lives and Dennis Hopper direct the ‘footpath’ movie ‘Octogenarian Easy Rider’ Thursday a.m. sees them laying the rubber down in the standing three quarter to the market square – Legs are thrown over saddles (though not necessarily still attached to their owners) and the one horsepower of the apocalypse given full throttle. This is no place to be caught out in the street; it’s the quick and the nearly dead.The once slow march towards the gates of St Peter has become a headlong charge, a terrifying cavalcade of frothing, toothless mouths and waving nostril hair, heading for Valhalla via Carricks fish stall.

Does my head look big in this?

Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams. 

Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.

Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.

Oh Dear!

Profits down at Tesco..........Shame.