Evening All

As the seasons change and winter breathes its last gasp; almost unnoticed on Kirkgate (Ripon's shambles) appear those brightly coloured harbingers of spring: the police van. Litter swirls in their wake and settles back onto the deserted street. It is early Friday evening. No-one is about to witness their arrival save a few hardened drinkers in the Royal Oak, the odd Hopperesque diner and Harbinger, wobbling back to the rank from an evening of prayer and contemplation.

The local Plod heave themselves out of their stripy cocoons and swarm down urine scented alleyways, then all is quiet; what could they be searching for at this time of the evening and who is so dangerous that he requires three vans to bring him in; is it a drugs raid, or are they searching for the elusive crooner and Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams?  Williams, as you will know by now has been arrested, allegedly in connection with the disappearance of public funds (nicking dosh) and yet he's still holding on to his shiny chain.

 You'd think, wouldn't you, that given the furore surrounding his arrest he would have immediately handed over the chains of office and stepped down from all public engagements but no! You can't get rid of (Andy) that easily. As the plod waddle up the wrong alley, Teflon (Andy) is no doubt cowering in the bushes awaiting the moment to slither back into the council chamber wearing an oleaginous smirk and the contents of his 'Mare's Dressing Up Box'. Imagine for a moment if you will, that (Andy) is innocent of the charge; that he is as pure in thought and deed as a new-born lamb gambolling in a Spring meadow: would it still not be the right thing to do to protect the office of Ripon Mare he professes to hold in such high esteem? As it is, he has not only tarnished the position by association with the charge, but also made it an object of derision. STEP DOWN NOW (Andy) limit the damage and do us all a favour.

Nothing Wrong With A Good Old Fashioned Bit Of GBH', says local plod

You'll be relieved to hear that the Ripon Plod are in full support of violence and Anti Social Behaviour in our local fightclub; Harbinger's interview with Inspector Plod of Ripon constabulary:

  'ASB 'appens in every town in the country', Insp Plod tells me, 'and there's no reason why Ripon can't 'ave its fair share. 'If we stay well clear of the Matrix, especially at kicking out time it means we can sit in the station an' drink coffee an' play Monopoly an' not have to do writin' an' stuff like that. We might even have a mini Brixton or Toxteth which would be great 'cause I might get in the paper an' stuff, there used to get a lot of moaning from shopkeepers around the Matrix about blood on the street and vomit and wee wee, but now they've all closed down so it's great! We can drive around in our police cars and not have to get out, and then there's the road sweeper - he'd have nothing to do on a Sunday morning if he wasn't sweeping up sick and broken glass an' stuff, an' nurses at the hospital need to practice bandaging an' fightin' off drunk people who want to get at their knickers, so you see we 'ave what we in the force call a win win situation, which means that we win and then, err, we win again.

Polish attack victim admits 'My head got in the way'.

So the latest (reported) violence at 'Ripon's only nightclub' has hit the pages of the Harrogate Gazette. The victim of the 'totally unprovoked attack' was described as male, Polish (serves him right then!), wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, had a broken nose, a couple of black eyes and blood all over the front of his shirt.......The attackers were described as 'white & young'!!! Keep an eye out for them folks; they sound distinctive.

Nightclub owner, Christopher Ian's son said: 'They were all having a lovely time bless them, so I sold them another couple of alco poppy drinks each at almost no profit to myself'.

"The Barracks are Closing, The Barracks are Closing!"

As someone so appositely observed recently: 'Ripon has long needed (and deserves) a kick up the arse'. Those of us on its periphery have watched it sliding slowly and inevitably into decline - shops closing at an alarming rate and morale plummeting. We have councillors too timid, stupid or self serving to realise that change is the only way forward, that doing nothing for many years has brought us to the dire situation we are in, yet fear of change has infected Ripon like a disease; it is a town wallowing in the 1950s.

Yes, we can sit back and blame Harrogate for the mess we're in and of course HBC is creaming off all funding and feathering their already opulent nest, you only had to witness their dazzling display of Christmas lights, compared to Ripon's four light bulbs and a cracker to realise that.  But what is the point in having a Ripon council at all if they do not have the insight, intelligence or eloquence to ensure Ripon gets its fair share, and indeed, now that it has slumped so far, MORE than its share? But most importantly, Ripon must be prepared to move forward and embrace change.

So what, if the army is pulling out? Ripon will no longer be a garrison town; GOOD! Does Richmond look more prosperous than Northallerton? And who in their right mind would wish to spend any more time than absolutely necessary in Catterick? The army's presence has done little to improve the quality of life in this town and it certainly hasn't saved it from economic collapse so perhaps their departure is the very kick up the arse it needs; it may even be the catalyst for regeneration - out with the old, in with the new.

So a fond farewell to the boys - missing you already!

'I'm Doing The Right Thing', Says Christopher Ian's son

 In an exclusive interview with THE PUN, this week, Christopher Ian's son, owner of a Ripon fightclub nightclub, tells how he is helping to ensure that Anti Social Behaviour (ASB) could never happen at the renowned club.

I arrive in the early afternoon and I'm greeted by the Tall, sophisticated, terribly good looking and not in the least bit seedy figure of Christopher Ian's son, He is wearing a bespoke sweatshirt, trendy wrangler jeans & leather style shoes. He shows me round the club: "Of course we're very safety conscious here," he says, waving a long, finely manicured finger at the non slip carpet "Oh yes - the safety of my little soldiers is parachute." Beaming young staff are busy polishing glasses, dusting already spotless shelves & preparing for an evening of lighthearted fun. Christopher Ian's son beams back at them in a paternal way, "They all think I'm terribly good looking you know." But he says it in the most natural way, without a hint of conceit.

"What time does the club open," I ask.

"Oh, well if I can have two bites at the cherries I do: I have a feel for young people, so we like to greet the very young girls,  & boys of course, at about 6pm and I like to be hands on to make sure they have as lovely a time as possible, and then the bigger girls, and boys of course, arrive a little later. You see I wouldn't bother with this night club lark only the youngsters would have nowhere to go at night in their short skirts and lipstick and.......Anyway, I like to give them somewhere safe to "Chill" (He waves his fingers in the air) and I like to charge them very little money for their drinks, because I'm terribly kind.....and good looking."

He shows me the toilets which have an indefinable aroma of nostalgia that takes me back to my school days; they are, of course immaculate - the floor still very wet; no doubt from the mop bucket......."You can eat your dinner off the floor in here if you'd like?" says Christopher Ian's son, "Err, no thanks, I've already eaten".

"Do you know," he says, "I don't think anyone's wee'd in here for years - they don't like to spoil it, the little angels, they all do it outside."

On the subject of the young: does he consider them to be disenfranchised?

"Sometimes it may happen outside the club," he says, "the local paper said a girl was being disenchanfrised behind a local restaurant," "but certainly never inside, we're very strict on that sort of thing."

I ask him about the new signage he's put up - what do they say?

"Well, they've got writing on them" he tells me "Writing and some ticks: it'll mean they don't go outside and fight and wee and be poorly all over the place see?"

Outside the club, Christopher Ian's son has erected some railings which he tells me are for leaning on and things like that; he is, he tells me, 'in loco parentheses' whilst the club is open, but he has some stern words for the youngster's parents: "They're feeding them badly," he says, "forcing them to eat vegetables and things like that; well it makes 'em sick. We try and give them plenty of liquids to settle their tummy's but it's the same every weekend - carrots everywhere. Of course, they don't do it in the club, bless 'em; they do it outside, but that's not the point is it? Parents should take responsibility........I'm doing the right thing."

Does my head look big in this?

Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams. 

Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.

Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.

FOUL. FOUL! Addendum to 'Plod Says Non' (16th July)

Following the barring of several campaigners (Harbinger included) from posting, or indeed receiving posts from their @RiponPolice Twitter page, the eponymous plod have now asked: "Would it be useful to hold an online meeting about Ripon city centre issues".  Ha! So this is what they mean by 'public consultation'.

New Dawn

The day breaks oe'r yonder hill and I must make haste and be about the daily grind.

This distant view of our absurd little town from my humble abode, an outsiders view if you like, only serves to clarify and magnify its faults and foibles. It's a town of taxi driver mentality, ruled over and shat upon by the old order of puffed up nepotists for whom change is anathema; reported upon and held to account by no-one.
Williams, Bateman, Skidmore, Horton, Hawke et al have stood in the path of progress for so long that we have become blind to it, and now the inertia, the acceptance of status quo, has insinuated itself into all aspects of political and commercial life. Even the silly, timid shopkeepers are afraid to attempt anything that hasn't been tried and failed before.
It may be that the ills that afflict this little town are simply a reflection of the greater ills that dog the country as a whole, but is that a reason to continue stumbling drunkenly down a blind alley?
We must get rid of the old order before anything can move forward. They have the gaul to continue to put themselves up for election so vote the buggers out at the earliest opportunity - we will all be the better for it.

Traffic Light Downhill

In an effort to solve the perennial parking problem in Ripon, Harrogate Borough Council have hit upon an ingenious idea: it involves almost no planning and indeed no thought process whatsoever, which is fortunate as our beloved (sic) council is woefully inept on both fronts. The great thing about this plan is that it is all inclusive, in that you end up parking even if you don't want to. Yes, it's the brilliant introduction of a jolly, flashing array of traffic lights. We used to have a hill here in Ripon almost universally known as 'Traffic Light Hill' - a redundant nomenclature now since EVERY hill and junction has its own set of Blinking Blight Lights.

This innovative solution to Ripon's parking problem has been remarkably successful and you can now park almost anywhere in Ripon without fear of getting a ticket and it's FREE! One of the most successful of the new parking areas is that on North Street where you can remain for weeks without having to worry about being moved on by a green light:

But of course you have plenty of choice:

Traffic lights take our eyes off the road. They make us stop when it's safe to go. They cause congestion and needless delay. They outlaw discretion, defy common sense, encourage speeding and license aggression. They waste fuel, deface streetscapes and pollute the air. They cost the Earth to install and run. By contrast, when lights are out of action, courtesy thrives and congestion dissolves.

Having A Lovely Time

Ripon crooner and Lord Mare, Andrew (Andy) Williams, has been informing the world (well, the Ripon Gazette reader) that he's having a lovely time dressing up and going to things. He's been to concerts & tea parties, tombolas & scout jamborees. He's been at pirate parties and he's done a bit of standing on the market square; and all this, on our behalf! he has, he informs his reader, been to meetings too......Well whoopdidoodle!
What Harbinger would like to hear about is accomplishment, implementation, achievements, successes; even some failures. ACTION is what we want to hear about, not tea parties. There's a hell of a lot to do in this town before anyone can pat themselves on the back and march up and down in self congratulation.
Did he read, one wonders, the article by the sweet and fragrant Katharine Viner in the Gruaniad? Did he consider that it might be he and his cronies who are "giving the word 'civic' a bad name"? One suspects not - Does my arse look big in this?

So just as Nero fiddled while Rome went up in smoke, (Andy) fiddles with himself whilst Ripon sinks.

The Shit's about to hit the fan (Andy) so stand WELL clear!

Reasons to be cheerful (Part 2)

Eccentric and a little old fashioned, Benson's is another long established business in Ripon. You can buy a box of nails, a screw, wellington boots, a door stop, a fishing rod, one of those things for the end of a walking stick and you get a bit of banter whilst you're at it. Let's not exchange it for a DIY store!

'It's 'ell in there'.

Harbinger is getting reports that an incident is in progress at the high security, Ripon Prison Museum, where Gregg's Doughnut is still being held without charge (See: 'Who the hell is Harbinger', 21st June). Reports say that at 09:26 this morning sounds of a scuffle and shouting emerged from the building and what may have been a shot was fired; though there has been no confirmation of this.

At 12:10 a figure was seen on the roof of the building but as yet it has not been possible to identify him.

First brought to Harbinger's attention by Ripon Gazette's campaign to free the unfortunate Doughnut, fears for his health and safety cannot be overstated, given the prison museum's lamentable record on human rights.
'It's 'ell in there', an ex inmate said today, 'violence and torture are common. I wouldn't want to be in 'is shoes I wouldn't!'

Speaking for the prison museum, Sgt' Cyril Cuffum said, 'That Doughnut, 'e's a wrong 'un an' no mistake. Oh yes: 'e might come over all la di da - what yer might call, sweet an sugary, but give 'im 'alf a chance an' 'e'll 'ave the skin off yer knuckles - Ere, 'ave a butchers at what 'e's done to the toecaps of me boots. Just you wait 'till I get at 'im!'

Latest news is that a mediation expert has been sent in by Amnesty International in an effort to defuse the situation.

Haven't we been here before?

'Joined up thinking is what Ripon needs' - so squeaks the All new, slightly bigger, slightly smaller, but almost empty Ripon Gazette in this week's editorial. Factions within the city have apparently come together to achieve a common goal - the collective aim 'to bring people into the city centre'.
Now just how do Ripon councillors, GRIP and whomsoever else is involved, weigh this with the opening of an even larger shopping complex on the very outskirts of Ripon? Make no mistake, this is the choice you have folks:

It would be a surprise to Harbinger if many of the people involved in these various factions can manage joined up writing; let alone joined up thinking.

Ok, so the Katharine Viner article in the Gruaniad has stirred up a bit of a hornet's nest - I expect a letter will be pouring in to the 'All New Slightly Bigger, Slightly Smaller Gazette' as I type. Certainly the grumblings on the street have reached fever pitch - well nearly fever pitch - well a couple of people have mentioned it in passing. The general feeling is that this kind of negativity can only do Ripon harm: "Who's going to visit Ripon after reading that?" is the cry; an argument defeated somewhat by the fact that no-body comes here anyway!
The thing is, you see: it's all true - the very day after its publication the council nincompoops   were parading up and down Ripon's streets in their fancy dress costumes, puffing out their chests and pretending to be important. As for the 'Portas Bid' - Did you see the video? Well did you? SHAMBOLIC!
I must admit though, I would have liked to see the Alice in Wonderland murals - how long would it have been before someone (and I can think of some likely candidates) painted a grossly erect penis on the mad hatter and a fetching pair of comely breasts on Alice? Ripon's 'ginnels' would certainly have been enlivened.

Like an alcoholic, Ripon must admit to itself that it is in a mess. Only then can the cure be taken and the cure is radical change - embracing the 21st century instead of wallowing in the mid 1950s.

Who the hell is Harbinger?

So! What's been going on since I've been away? Mr Broon was shot down in his prime by the Eton Rifles - who'd have thought it? The Eurozone has gone in to meltdown - who'd have thought it? And the end of the world wasn't quite so 'nigh' as we were led to believe - who'd ...........

Ripon cathedral has some lovely new glass doors and some flower planters. Well done them.
The lovely old Well's building is finally being brought back to life after how many years?
And we have a new mayor. No......wait a minute........It's Andrew 'Andy' Williams, the oleaginous crooner who's 'turn' has unfortunately come round again.

 Here he is at a recent concert in aid of 'Andy', with his new backing group, 'The Serviettes'

'Andy's' desire to do nothing, with a chain round his neck, knows no bounds it seems, and it has even reached the attention of 'The Gruaniad':

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2012/jun/19/olympic-torch-olympics-2012  More about this later.

The all new, slightly smaller, slightly bigger, but almost empty Ripon Gazette's laudable campaign to free Gregg's doughnut  has it seems, stalled, as the hapless comestible still languishes in clink without charge:

From what we can gather from Gregg himself, the doughnut is being held in cells at the old prison behind the cathedral. 'He is being reasonably well treated', said Gregg, 'but he has lost a lot of jam'.

Harbinger will be investigating the case and if necessary contacting Amnesty.

There are some sad losses to the town: Great Northern Wine is no more, the short lived Cafe Flo in Kirkgate has sprouted wings and er.....Flo wn, and the oleaginous crooner Andrew 'Andy' Williams has  left office as Ripon mayor..........Oh no; wait a minute.

On the up side we have a new wine bar on Duck Hill in the shape of 'Scoffy's', a smart new cafe is about to open its doors in the aforementioned Well's building in Fishergate and Harbinger hears that a new bar and grill will open soon in a 'tippetytop secret' location on the market square. Ooooooh!

Market Square Madness

What a delight it is to see our lovely Ripon market place used, as it should be, for a market. The visiting continental market has used the space wonderfully and Riponians are wandering about enjoying the space at last. The market square could be used every day for all sorts of events and markets; sadly however this is unlikely to last as the cretins will soon have it tarmaced over and the cars all over it once again. "Get out of the way, we don't want you people here, this is a car park."

St Bernard Bateman and climbing partner Don (Whillans) Grundy, moments after their successful attempt on Duck Hill (North Face).

St Bernard led the first pitch from base camp at ‘The Deli’ in an audacious ‘Alpine Style’ assault; this included the first of two challenging traverses. Having set up a hanging belay at the bottom of the ‘Difficult Steps’ he allows the immensely experienced ‘Don’ to lead through the gruelling and technically demanding second pitch

“ It wasn’t easy”, said Don “ after yesterday’s rain some of the steps were greasy but my crampons eventually found grip and I mantleshelved out and set up the second hanging belay to bring St Bernard up”.

The pair completed the infamous ‘Difficult Steps’ in record time despite the prevailing conditions only leaving the final, and most dangerous pitch – the Kirkgate Traverse – to St Bernard.

The crossing of Kirkgate can be incredibly dangerous due to signage suggesting an absence of traffic but “thanks to the incompetence of Harrogate council's parking dept' one can be mown down at any time” said St Bernard “and that’s the way we like it – fast and dangerous!” Astonishingly the Kirkgate Traverse was achieved without mishap and the triumphant pair gained the summit (known as 'The Chair') and planted the traditional flag of victory before the weather began to close in and it started to spit.

Youthful Mayor Elect Says "I'll Put Ripon First."

George Pickles: A Very Naughty Boy.

I really can't be bothered with this silly little story, and yet it seems to have grabbed the headlines in the Gazette for weeks now.
So, the hornblower George Pickles has had an official reprimand from our esteemed Mayor 'earinged' Sid Hawke for 'attending events without official permission' and 'communicating with the press'. Perhaps Mr Pickles should restrict himself to his original remit in which case I shall expect to see him patrolling the town in the early hours in order to ensure we all sleep safe in our beds.
I suppose it is indicative of a wider stupidity, arrogance and insularity on the part of many members of our council though why we should be suprised at this defeats me.