Evening All

As the seasons change and winter breathes its last gasp; almost unnoticed on Kirkgate (Ripon's shambles) appear those brightly coloured harbingers of spring: the police van. Litter swirls in their wake and settles back onto the deserted street. It is early Friday evening. No-one is about to witness their arrival save a few hardened drinkers in the Royal Oak, the odd Hopperesque diner and Harbinger, wobbling back to the rank from an evening of prayer and contemplation.

The local Plod heave themselves out of their stripy cocoons and swarm down urine scented alleyways, then all is quiet; what could they be searching for at this time of the evening and who is so dangerous that he requires three vans to bring him in; is it a drugs raid, or are they searching for the elusive crooner and Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams?  Williams, as you will know by now has been arrested, allegedly in connection with the disappearance of public funds (nicking dosh) and yet he's still holding on to his shiny chain.

 You'd think, wouldn't you, that given the furore surrounding his arrest he would have immediately handed over the chains of office and stepped down from all public engagements but no! You can't get rid of (Andy) that easily. As the plod waddle up the wrong alley, Teflon (Andy) is no doubt cowering in the bushes awaiting the moment to slither back into the council chamber wearing an oleaginous smirk and the contents of his 'Mare's Dressing Up Box'. Imagine for a moment if you will, that (Andy) is innocent of the charge; that he is as pure in thought and deed as a new-born lamb gambolling in a Spring meadow: would it still not be the right thing to do to protect the office of Ripon Mare he professes to hold in such high esteem? As it is, he has not only tarnished the position by association with the charge, but also made it an object of derision. STEP DOWN NOW (Andy) limit the damage and do us all a favour.

Nothing Wrong With A Good Old Fashioned Bit Of GBH', says local plod

You'll be relieved to hear that the Ripon Plod are in full support of violence and Anti Social Behaviour in our local fightclub; Harbinger's interview with Inspector Plod of Ripon constabulary:

  'ASB 'appens in every town in the country', Insp Plod tells me, 'and there's no reason why Ripon can't 'ave its fair share. 'If we stay well clear of the Matrix, especially at kicking out time it means we can sit in the station an' drink coffee an' play Monopoly an' not have to do writin' an' stuff like that. We might even have a mini Brixton or Toxteth which would be great 'cause I might get in the paper an' stuff, there used to get a lot of moaning from shopkeepers around the Matrix about blood on the street and vomit and wee wee, but now they've all closed down so it's great! We can drive around in our police cars and not have to get out, and then there's the road sweeper - he'd have nothing to do on a Sunday morning if he wasn't sweeping up sick and broken glass an' stuff, an' nurses at the hospital need to practice bandaging an' fightin' off drunk people who want to get at their knickers, so you see we 'ave what we in the force call a win win situation, which means that we win and then, err, we win again.

Polish attack victim admits 'My head got in the way'.

So the latest (reported) violence at 'Ripon's only nightclub' has hit the pages of the Harrogate Gazette. The victim of the 'totally unprovoked attack' was described as male, Polish (serves him right then!), wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, had a broken nose, a couple of black eyes and blood all over the front of his shirt.......The attackers were described as 'white & young'!!! Keep an eye out for them folks; they sound distinctive.

Nightclub owner, Christopher Ian's son said: 'They were all having a lovely time bless them, so I sold them another couple of alco poppy drinks each at almost no profit to myself'.

Who DO They Think They're Kidding?

FOUL. FOUL! Addendum to 'Plod Says Non' (16th July)

Following the barring of several campaigners (Harbinger included) from posting, or indeed receiving posts from their @RiponPolice Twitter page, the eponymous plod have now asked: "Would it be useful to hold an online meeting about Ripon city centre issues".  Ha! So this is what they mean by 'public consultation'.

Traffic Light Downhill

In an effort to solve the perennial parking problem in Ripon, Harrogate Borough Council have hit upon an ingenious idea: it involves almost no planning and indeed no thought process whatsoever, which is fortunate as our beloved (sic) council is woefully inept on both fronts. The great thing about this plan is that it is all inclusive, in that you end up parking even if you don't want to. Yes, it's the brilliant introduction of a jolly, flashing array of traffic lights. We used to have a hill here in Ripon almost universally known as 'Traffic Light Hill' - a redundant nomenclature now since EVERY hill and junction has its own set of Blinking Blight Lights.

This innovative solution to Ripon's parking problem has been remarkably successful and you can now park almost anywhere in Ripon without fear of getting a ticket and it's FREE! One of the most successful of the new parking areas is that on North Street where you can remain for weeks without having to worry about being moved on by a green light:

But of course you have plenty of choice:

Traffic lights take our eyes off the road. They make us stop when it's safe to go. They cause congestion and needless delay. They outlaw discretion, defy common sense, encourage speeding and license aggression. They waste fuel, deface streetscapes and pollute the air. They cost the Earth to install and run. By contrast, when lights are out of action, courtesy thrives and congestion dissolves.

Plod Says Non!

All kicking off on Twitter where plod puts his size fifteen down, shoves his fingers in his ears and says "I'm not listening, La la la la la la la la la la la la".

Several Tweeters including at least one local trader and the mysterious 'Ripon Re-generator' have been banned from posting on the Ripon police Twitter page...... 'It must be because they were giving abuse', you might think to yourself, but non!
Now, plod is quite happy to use the medium to tell us how we should be driving, how much we should be drinking and when. They are quite happy to promulgate their own agenda and yet when deficiencies  in their policing of the city are pointed out to them with a little tongue in cheek humour, both bat and ball are snatched away and whisked home to the station with a stamp of the foot and a 'yah boo sucks'.
Here's something for them to ponder: If you join in with social media then you must abide by the unwritten rules of that media - you must be willing to take the rough with the smooth - to accept a certain amount of friendly criticism where criticism is due. GROW UP PLOD!

P.S. Harbinger is pleased to say he too is one of the outcasts. In the words of the great Woolfie Smith:

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!