Mastication Crack Down

Ripon Area Business Association (RABABABA) recently held a Ripon Retail Forum (RRF-FFS) in order to improve Ripon’s performance in the retail market place. They have, it seems, a dream of Utopia – a dream of shining streets, of gleaming shops, of prisoners in striped suits buffing away at the town hall knob! Many of the ideas are laudable, if a little obvious; some are plain farcical.
I think my favourite is the ‘Ban on chewing gum in the city centre’.
I can see the court round up now:
P.C. Mindless said: Oi was proceeding in a westerly doirection when oi observed the defendant masticatin’ in a suspicious manner. Oi could see no pastie about his person so challenged ‘im and upon searchin’ ‘im discovered ‘e was ‘carryin’. That is to say ‘e was found to be in possession of Wrigley’s in a prohibited area yer worshipfulness.

The defendant was described as a persistent and unrepentant offender….magistrate Col’ Spreading-Girth said: “This is the third time you have been before me and taking two related offences in to account – one of reading comical literature in Westgate Ripon, the other of humming tunes by the popular musical combo Radiohead whilst sitting on a bench in the market square – I have no alternative other than to recommend a custodial sentence of not less than ten years. TAKE HIM DOWN!”
Of course, once in prison he can be let out to join the town hall doorknob polishing party, or indeed, the chewing gum removal party.