Barking

Ripon Mare and well known crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams let his dog Judy - Chairdog of Greater Ripon Impotent Persons Executive (GRIPE), off her lead again at a meeting in the town hall last week. After twenty minutes scampering around, pissing on the carpet and trying to hump an ex Mare's leg, she started barking uncontrollably:

"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.

"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.

"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.

"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.

"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.

"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."

Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.

In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.

Costa Meet Their Match

Costa Coffee, the company infamous for bullying their way onto our nation's high streets, with or without planning permission have, it seems reached their nadir as Ripon's 'No to Costa' campaign swings into well oiled action.
Of course, other towns have attempted to fight off the coffee chain, but all (save the one notable exception of Totnes in Devon) have failed. Totnes launched a long running, well co-ordinated and vociferous campaign, led by a highly motivated core of activists backed by the loud & largely united voices of the townsfolk. Ripon has adopted a different, more subtle approach, fielding five people on the market square looking glum. The 'Glum 5', as they have become known, are backed by a populous, united in their feigned apathy, and my goodness: what feigned apathy! Of course, this is all a mask to lull Costa's management in to a false sense of security - as soon as they let their guard down (& let it down they will), the clarion will sound & Riponians will rise up as one and man the gingham covered barricades.

photo courtesy of Ripon Gazette

It will be a stirring day indeed when this political leviathan awakes & rumbles into action; or perhaps, & more likely, the sight of the 'Glum 5' alone will be enough to persuade the good folk at Costa to call off the signwriters & shopfitters & move on. In either case, prepare yourself dear reader, for your leader may call, and you may be required to lay down your signature for the cause.

Count the costa Costa

What a wet bunch Ripon shop owners are readers: they've squeaked and squeaked about how utterly dreadful it would be if Costa Coffee came to Ripon, but not one of them has done a thing about it; in fact one of them, who shall remain nameless (or not), has been witless enough to state in the HARROGATE, Knaresborough & Ripon Gazette, that it will be GOOD for the town! Don (Whillans) Grundy (who, would you believe, is secretary of Ripon Chamber of Trade & Commerce) says that 'brands' such as Costa will bring people to Ripon!.....Poor man has clearly suffered some recent traumatic brain injury.  NO-ONE is going to get in their car and drive to Ripon for a cup of Costa coffee!

Here's Don with his carer after the aforementioned blow to the head:

Yes - unfortunately he did have to be straightjacketed, but on the bright side he was given some balloons to play with.

And what, I think I can hear you ask, were Ripon Council doing about the application? Well astoundingly (yes you are astounded) they were doing nothing. Nowt. Zilch. Bugger all! HBC tells us that no objections were received from Ripon City Council - NOT ONE; in fact they've urged us all to look on the bright side. We can only hope the bright side is that they have all resigned by the end of the week. Oh! it IS the end of the week.

Plodding Along

You may have heard that the middle class, moaning minnies in Kirkgate are getting fed up with the misunderstood youngsters from Matrix vomiting in the street, pissing in doorways and kicking shit out of each other in the evenings; typical - you'd think they'd never been young! They've been bleating to the local plod and trying to curry favour with our councillors via the medium of Twitter. 

You will be pleased to hear that the authorities in question are having none of it. In an exclusive interview for The Pun, Sgt Jewel of the local constabulary said, "Can you imagine sir, the amount of paperwork the lads would have to do, if we started arresting violent people sir?"  "Why sir, they'd be at it arf the night so they would sir.......You see sir: we, and the great British public, view paperwork as a waste of police time sir; so we try not to do any".

Harb tried to get an interview with the councillors responsible for the Kirkgate area, Councillors See No-Evil and See No-Evil but they were far to busy trying on dresses for the next procession to be bothered with such trivialities.

Easy Rider - the return

Things have changed and the once sedate streets of Ripon have become a dangerous place – mothers, hold on to your children and woe-betide the unwary. Traffic has increased ten-fold and it’s not just the bling encrusted taxi drivers, the truculent truck drivers, or the racing repmobiles that cause me to leap into doorways lest I be mown down; oh no! It’s the pedestrians……They’ve been motorised! Once a steady stream; now a raging torrent: the river of waist high grey heads race along grinning maniacally and tooting their horns. No need the little tartan shopping trolley now; cast aside the zimmer and the stick. Shopmobility has come to town with a vengeance, and there ain’t room in this town for the both of us. Bruce Springsteen should write the soundtrack to their ‘Re-born to be Wild’ lives and Dennis Hopper direct the ‘footpath’ movie ‘Octogenarian Easy Rider’ Thursday a.m. sees them laying the rubber down in the standing three quarter to the market square – Legs are thrown over saddles (though not necessarily still attached to their owners) and the one horsepower of the apocalypse given full throttle. This is no place to be caught out in the street; it’s the quick and the nearly dead.The once slow march towards the gates of St Peter has become a headlong charge, a terrifying cavalcade of frothing, toothless mouths and waving nostril hair, heading for Valhalla via Carricks fish stall.

Does my head look big in this?

Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams. 

Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.

Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.

Oh Dear!

Profits down at Tesco..........Shame.

De Rigueur

Early evening found me strolling around a damp and somewhat desolate town centre. A dispiriting experience you might think, and so it was until there, in the window of a local hostelry was the bright and cheery sight of a Christmas tree! Not, as you might think, in a 'low dive'; no! This was a posh joint, where slacks would not look out of place and golf seems a reasonable topic of conversation. One imagines they are using irony; rather in the way that Americans use it when wearing white tie at an evening that is very clearly black tie.

Problems Snowball

The perennial and you might rightly think, tedious topic of parking has raised its head again, though not in its usual guise of 'Why can't we park all over the market square'. No...... this time there is a new twist to the saga. A small row is brewing over on Twitter about Cllr Andrew (Andy) Williams, Ripon crooner & current Mare and the fact that he has his own designated parking space on the south (pedestrianised) side of the square. 'Why should he have a parking space at all,' it was asked, 'is he, in some way, better than the rest of us?' (insert your own answer here!)
But then another grain of sand was introduced into (Andy's) Vaseline: Not only does he use the space to park for official business, alleged the Tweeter, but also when drinking in what was described as 'Spoons.
So, the question should be asked.....If he is using his space whilst sipping at a Snowball or two, should he not be doing so in one of the many independent drinking establishments in the town rather than putting his money in the till of a Watford based company and its distant and, no doubt, minted shareholders?

Here he is with his official chauffeur rolling in for another 'sesh' at 'Spoons: "A Snowball and a half shandy for my driver landlord!"

Addendum: This is not the only storm kicking off over in Twitter-land.......
See here

Reasons to be cheerful (part 3)

Ripon Hornblower 

George Pickles (Pickles the noun, not the verb!) A fine ambassador for Ripon. Keep up the good work George.

Twits?

So Ripon City Council are now on Facebook and Twitter! A step in the right direction would you say? Perhaps it will be utilised as an open forum for debate - a place where the people of the town can air their views and get a response; or perhaps it will simply be yet another opportunity for councillors to post photos of themselves dressed up like a herd of pantomime dames (collective noun for pantomime dames?? A widow of dames - a twanky - a stage?). Of course, most people do use social media such as this for verbal twattery and posting pictures of themselves and friends looking ridiculous but since this is the default position of our esteemed (sic) council it would be nice to see them taking a new direction.

I've just had a comment from Anon asking is this a picture of the Ripon Mare. Don't be silly Anon - it looks nothing like the Mare; this is he:

Do You Really Want Costa Coffee In Ripon?

Do you want another blight on the townscape of Ripon? Another haemorrhage of your money to a multi-national chain? Have a look here: www.notocosta.co.uk

Just as Ripon is beginning to shuffle grudgingly towards the 21st Century with the opening of some interesting, independent shops, coffee shops, wine bars and galleries the last thing it needs is to be dragged backwards by another cheap chain purveying its homogenous shite.

So, Ripon Council, Harrogate Borough Council: What are you going to do about it? As if we didn't know