Polish attack victim admits 'My head got in the way'.

So the latest (reported) violence at 'Ripon's only nightclub' has hit the pages of the Harrogate Gazette. The victim of the 'totally unprovoked attack' was described as male, Polish (serves him right then!), wearing a black leather jacket and blue jeans, had a broken nose, a couple of black eyes and blood all over the front of his shirt.......The attackers were described as 'white & young'!!! Keep an eye out for them folks; they sound distinctive.

Nightclub owner, Christopher Ian's son said: 'They were all having a lovely time bless them, so I sold them another couple of alco poppy drinks each at almost no profit to myself'.

"The Barracks are Closing, The Barracks are Closing!"

As someone so appositely observed recently: 'Ripon has long needed (and deserves) a kick up the arse'. Those of us on its periphery have watched it sliding slowly and inevitably into decline - shops closing at an alarming rate and morale plummeting. We have councillors too timid, stupid or self serving to realise that change is the only way forward, that doing nothing for many years has brought us to the dire situation we are in, yet fear of change has infected Ripon like a disease; it is a town wallowing in the 1950s.

Yes, we can sit back and blame Harrogate for the mess we're in and of course HBC is creaming off all funding and feathering their already opulent nest, you only had to witness their dazzling display of Christmas lights, compared to Ripon's four light bulbs and a cracker to realise that.  But what is the point in having a Ripon council at all if they do not have the insight, intelligence or eloquence to ensure Ripon gets its fair share, and indeed, now that it has slumped so far, MORE than its share? But most importantly, Ripon must be prepared to move forward and embrace change.

So what, if the army is pulling out? Ripon will no longer be a garrison town; GOOD! Does Richmond look more prosperous than Northallerton? And who in their right mind would wish to spend any more time than absolutely necessary in Catterick? The army's presence has done little to improve the quality of life in this town and it certainly hasn't saved it from economic collapse so perhaps their departure is the very kick up the arse it needs; it may even be the catalyst for regeneration - out with the old, in with the new.

So a fond farewell to the boys - missing you already!

Who DO They Think They're Kidding?

'I'm Doing The Right Thing', Says Christopher Ian's son

 In an exclusive interview with THE PUN, this week, Christopher Ian's son, owner of a Ripon fightclub nightclub, tells how he is helping to ensure that Anti Social Behaviour (ASB) could never happen at the renowned club.

I arrive in the early afternoon and I'm greeted by the Tall, sophisticated, terribly good looking and not in the least bit seedy figure of Christopher Ian's son, He is wearing a bespoke sweatshirt, trendy wrangler jeans & leather style shoes. He shows me round the club: "Of course we're very safety conscious here," he says, waving a long, finely manicured finger at the non slip carpet "Oh yes - the safety of my little soldiers is parachute." Beaming young staff are busy polishing glasses, dusting already spotless shelves & preparing for an evening of lighthearted fun. Christopher Ian's son beams back at them in a paternal way, "They all think I'm terribly good looking you know." But he says it in the most natural way, without a hint of conceit.

"What time does the club open," I ask.

"Oh, well if I can have two bites at the cherries I do: I have a feel for young people, so we like to greet the very young girls,  & boys of course, at about 6pm and I like to be hands on to make sure they have as lovely a time as possible, and then the bigger girls, and boys of course, arrive a little later. You see I wouldn't bother with this night club lark only the youngsters would have nowhere to go at night in their short skirts and lipstick and.......Anyway, I like to give them somewhere safe to "Chill" (He waves his fingers in the air) and I like to charge them very little money for their drinks, because I'm terribly kind.....and good looking."

He shows me the toilets which have an indefinable aroma of nostalgia that takes me back to my school days; they are, of course immaculate - the floor still very wet; no doubt from the mop bucket......."You can eat your dinner off the floor in here if you'd like?" says Christopher Ian's son, "Err, no thanks, I've already eaten".

"Do you know," he says, "I don't think anyone's wee'd in here for years - they don't like to spoil it, the little angels, they all do it outside."

On the subject of the young: does he consider them to be disenfranchised?

"Sometimes it may happen outside the club," he says, "the local paper said a girl was being disenchanfrised behind a local restaurant," "but certainly never inside, we're very strict on that sort of thing."

I ask him about the new signage he's put up - what do they say?

"Well, they've got writing on them" he tells me "Writing and some ticks: it'll mean they don't go outside and fight and wee and be poorly all over the place see?"

Outside the club, Christopher Ian's son has erected some railings which he tells me are for leaning on and things like that; he is, he tells me, 'in loco parentheses' whilst the club is open, but he has some stern words for the youngster's parents: "They're feeding them badly," he says, "forcing them to eat vegetables and things like that; well it makes 'em sick. We try and give them plenty of liquids to settle their tummy's but it's the same every weekend - carrots everywhere. Of course, they don't do it in the club, bless 'em; they do it outside, but that's not the point is it? Parents should take responsibility........I'm doing the right thing."

Harrogate Tops Drink Driving List

Yes it's true: in an effort to escape the unmitigated tedium of middle class, middle of the road life in Harrogate, drivers are getting shit-faced on a nice little Riesling from the Alsace they found at Weeton's, Jumping into their cars and heading - well - anywhere that doesn't have a Betty's.
Of course Harrogate plod are wise to it and are rounding them up and chucking them in clink as fast as they can:
"They're like lemmings sir," said Sgt Smallboner "we can't keep up with 'em sir."
The miscreants are being given community service which consists of taking up seats in Betty's, drinking  earl grey tea and eating scones and jam until they have returned to average.

Here's one young man just before his arrest:

Barking

Ripon Mare and well known crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams let his dog Judy - Chairdog of Greater Ripon Impotent Persons Executive (GRIPE), off her lead again at a meeting in the town hall last week. After twenty minutes scampering around, pissing on the carpet and trying to hump an ex Mare's leg, she started barking uncontrollably:

"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.

"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.

"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.

"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.

"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.

"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."

Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.

In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.

Costa Meet Their Match

Costa Coffee, the company infamous for bullying their way onto our nation's high streets, with or without planning permission have, it seems reached their nadir as Ripon's 'No to Costa' campaign swings into well oiled action.
Of course, other towns have attempted to fight off the coffee chain, but all (save the one notable exception of Totnes in Devon) have failed. Totnes launched a long running, well co-ordinated and vociferous campaign, led by a highly motivated core of activists backed by the loud & largely united voices of the townsfolk. Ripon has adopted a different, more subtle approach, fielding five people on the market square looking glum. The 'Glum 5', as they have become known, are backed by a populous, united in their feigned apathy, and my goodness: what feigned apathy! Of course, this is all a mask to lull Costa's management in to a false sense of security - as soon as they let their guard down (& let it down they will), the clarion will sound & Riponians will rise up as one and man the gingham covered barricades.

photo courtesy of Ripon Gazette

It will be a stirring day indeed when this political leviathan awakes & rumbles into action; or perhaps, & more likely, the sight of the 'Glum 5' alone will be enough to persuade the good folk at Costa to call off the signwriters & shopfitters & move on. In either case, prepare yourself dear reader, for your leader may call, and you may be required to lay down your signature for the cause.

Count the costa Costa

What a wet bunch Ripon shop owners are readers: they've squeaked and squeaked about how utterly dreadful it would be if Costa Coffee came to Ripon, but not one of them has done a thing about it; in fact one of them, who shall remain nameless (or not), has been witless enough to state in the HARROGATE, Knaresborough & Ripon Gazette, that it will be GOOD for the town! Don (Whillans) Grundy (who, would you believe, is secretary of Ripon Chamber of Trade & Commerce) says that 'brands' such as Costa will bring people to Ripon!.....Poor man has clearly suffered some recent traumatic brain injury.  NO-ONE is going to get in their car and drive to Ripon for a cup of Costa coffee!

Here's Don with his carer after the aforementioned blow to the head:

Yes - unfortunately he did have to be straightjacketed, but on the bright side he was given some balloons to play with.

And what, I think I can hear you ask, were Ripon Council doing about the application? Well astoundingly (yes you are astounded) they were doing nothing. Nowt. Zilch. Bugger all! HBC tells us that no objections were received from Ripon City Council - NOT ONE; in fact they've urged us all to look on the bright side. We can only hope the bright side is that they have all resigned by the end of the week. Oh! it IS the end of the week.

Plodding Along

You may have heard that the middle class, moaning minnies in Kirkgate are getting fed up with the misunderstood youngsters from Matrix vomiting in the street, pissing in doorways and kicking shit out of each other in the evenings; typical - you'd think they'd never been young! They've been bleating to the local plod and trying to curry favour with our councillors via the medium of Twitter. 

You will be pleased to hear that the authorities in question are having none of it. In an exclusive interview for The Pun, Sgt Jewel of the local constabulary said, "Can you imagine sir, the amount of paperwork the lads would have to do, if we started arresting violent people sir?"  "Why sir, they'd be at it arf the night so they would sir.......You see sir: we, and the great British public, view paperwork as a waste of police time sir; so we try not to do any".

Harb tried to get an interview with the councillors responsible for the Kirkgate area, Councillors See No-Evil and See No-Evil but they were far to busy trying on dresses for the next procession to be bothered with such trivialities.

Easy Rider - the return

Things have changed and the once sedate streets of Ripon have become a dangerous place – mothers, hold on to your children and woe-betide the unwary. Traffic has increased ten-fold and it’s not just the bling encrusted taxi drivers, the truculent truck drivers, or the racing repmobiles that cause me to leap into doorways lest I be mown down; oh no! It’s the pedestrians……They’ve been motorised! Once a steady stream; now a raging torrent: the river of waist high grey heads race along grinning maniacally and tooting their horns. No need the little tartan shopping trolley now; cast aside the zimmer and the stick. Shopmobility has come to town with a vengeance, and there ain’t room in this town for the both of us. Bruce Springsteen should write the soundtrack to their ‘Re-born to be Wild’ lives and Dennis Hopper direct the ‘footpath’ movie ‘Octogenarian Easy Rider’ Thursday a.m. sees them laying the rubber down in the standing three quarter to the market square – Legs are thrown over saddles (though not necessarily still attached to their owners) and the one horsepower of the apocalypse given full throttle. This is no place to be caught out in the street; it’s the quick and the nearly dead.The once slow march towards the gates of St Peter has become a headlong charge, a terrifying cavalcade of frothing, toothless mouths and waving nostril hair, heading for Valhalla via Carricks fish stall.

Does my head look big in this?

Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams. 

Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.

Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.

Oh Dear!

Profits down at Tesco..........Shame.