Dereliction of Duty

In a rare burst of eloquence last week David ‘Dave’ Parnaby proclaimed (and Harbinger thinks it might have been a prepared statement):

"In this present economic climate, it's essential we keep Ripon looking attractive because if we allow it to become run down – as so many market towns have – it will die, innit?

Take a look around you Dave!

Jesus Lives!

It’s a scary sight as it stands: a page and a half of mug shots of our prospective county councillors gurning into the camera in an attempt to appear sincere, trustworthy and in some cases indeed, sane! They’re all in the Ripon Gazette today: St Bernard, ‘Earringed’ Sid Hawke, ‘ZzzzzStockdale.
‘Mad’ Mackintosh is there and local crooner Andrew ‘Andy’ Williams manages to look at once oleaginous and psychopathic. Last and undoubtedly least comes Althea (No profile or picture supplied) Farmer who seems to have thrown in the blood reddened Labour towel before the first vote has been cast.
More worrying than the cirque communale is our unseemly haste to don the costumes of Tin Man, Scarecrow et al and skip down the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City of American political absurdity. When did religious fanaticism slink across the pond and worm its way into European politics?
Half a dozen candidates for European parliamentary election are hanging from the -Christian Party “Proclaiming Christ’s Lordship” – cross. Are there not enough fairy stories in politics already without introducing this nonsense into the arena? Never forget that their ‘Lord’ cast the money lenders from the temple, so let us hope we never have to rely on the Christian Party for a sound fiscal policy; we could find ourselves casting a fond look back at the ‘Broon’ years.
Still, now the temple is clear of money lenders there’ll be plenty of room for ‘Dave’s’ Parking Solution #1 – the lord works in mysterious ways!

'Dave' Parnaby's parking solutions #2

The long and sometimes bitter row over the future of the Spa Baths could at last be at an end. The proposals for the future use of the grade two listed building have been many and varied and until the latest brilliant plan, the most likely use was to be conversion into flats.

Ripon is fortunate indeed to have the calibre of people to come up with such imaginative and innovative ideas. But amongst this glittering intellectual firmament a still brighter light shines forth and his name is 'Dave'.

Yes, we could improve the existing swimming facilities. Yes, we could create a cinema or theatre, but alongside 'Dave's' plan these ideas are crass and mundane: we can, he says, build a car park!

The details of construction will naturally be left to the lesser, yet still formidable minds of the Harrogate Council planning dept but here we have a sneak preview of how the interior may look:

Clean Sweep

'Earringed' Sid Hawke is running for council - he wants to represent us all by cleaning up the city and getting his hands dirty!
He wants to clean up the river, rid us of graffiti, monitor and empty dog bins and clear up dog 'mess'.

We think he's ideally suited to the job:

All the fun of the fair!

It might be thought by some of you that Harbinger is a bit of a fuddy-duddy, a bit of a stick in the mud, a spoilsport, a curmudgeon. So just to prove you wrong here I am enjoying a weekend of chavdom and fun at the fair. And what a weekend it is – I’ve rarely seen such accurate spitting, the groping of chavettes has been exemplary and the streets now have a non-stick coating of gum (so much safer for the infirm). So, let’s hear it for the council who’ve brought us this treat once again Hip hip……………

'Dave' Parnaby's Parking Solutions #1

New mayor is to solve Ripon's parking problems:

Councillor David (Dave) Parnaby's parking proposal to council this week has all the hallmarks of a winner - with very little external alteration Ripon cathedral is to be put to far better use as a multi-storey car park. The west front will be left intact with the main entrance on Minster Road and the crypt will be converted to toilet and baby changing facilities . Drive-in services will take place twice a day (sung evensong) and revenue from drive-thru weddings (up to twenty a day) will be split equally between church and council.

New mayor and mayoress celebrate.

As you will no doubt be aware the PUN was unable to bring you coverage of the mayor making and subsequent parade (I know how disappointed you must be) but fear not: Harbinger is indebted to a very kind reader who modestly wishes to remain anonymous for the following couple of pictures taken during the celebrations immediately after the parade.

Here Dave and Sylv toast their supporters with a well deserved drink

and here Dave shows his exuberance and pleasure at being elected once again.

We got a quick word with Dave on his way to Spar for some fags:
'I is like sweepin oop the world like. Could be Dannin Street fo me an' Sylv next innit! We's goina be in assisa parlimen yeah?'

WE'RE BACK AND ON THE GAZETTE'S FRONT PAGE!!

In a bizarre turn of events the PUN finds itself on the front page of the GAZETTE this week but the fact that we can report on it shows they are a little behind the news....Keep up boys!

Ah well done lads - no flies on the Ripon News Hounds!
http://www.ripongazette.co.uk/ripon/Satirical-blog-is-resurrected.5294422.jp

Harbinger would like to thank everyone who gave their support during our brief closedown; particularly those who commented (almost 50 of you in the end).

Harbinger Interviews 'Mad' Mackintosh

Mr Stanley (Mad) Mackintosh (Independent, Conservative, Liberal, Democrat, Socialist, Communist, Nationalist, Moronist) held a supporter’s party at his home today ahead of the elections in June. After the party I interviewed him:

Harbinger: ‘How did the party go Mad Mac?’
Mad Mac: ‘It was a great success; I spoke for a very long time on one subject and I was enthralled in fact I.........’
Harbinger: ‘Weren’t you at all disappointed at the rather low turnout – the fact that no-one came?’
Mad Mac: ‘Not at all, that’s the way I like it - it’s not often I get to listen to myself for such a very long and interesting period without someone interrupting, growing a beard or slipping into a coma. Let me tell you.......'
Harbinger: ‘The 2005 election when you ran on the Independent ticket must have been a bitter blow?’
Mad Mac: ‘Well I didn’t quite win if that’s what you mean?’
Harbinger: ‘You came last!’
Mad Mac: ‘Well technically, yes but you see it could have been worse; if you take into accou………………….
Harbinger: ‘Worse than last?’
Mad Mac: ‘Ah well you see, I came last largely because of the number of votes cast. Had a very substantial number of people cast their votes in a completely different way it is conceivable that I would have won by a landslide majority; especially when you take into account that one of my opponents was in fact, a Sainsbury’s chicken salad sandwich. Now, there was a huge swing in my favour of 800% over the previous election in which I didn’t stand. There are, of course numerous other factors that should be considered when assessing my performance comparative to………………………

It was at this point that Harbinger dozed off and he is now recovering in the psychiatric unit at Harrogate General.

Tomorrow Harbinger interviews Dave Parnaby on his mayoral role

'Mad' Mackintosh

The PUN is intended to make a valuable, if satirical, contribution to the political life of Ripon – to encourage lively and irreverent debate. As editor I have chosen to publish via the internet and there (for the time being) it should remain. Mr Stanley Mackintosh has chosen to appropriate my writings and use them to his own political ends by publishing them in his window and to ignore a request to remove them. Until such time as they are removed I have reluctantly decided to take the PUN out of circulation.

Harbinger.

I regret to say that I have been forced to change the access settings for comments; it is now necessary to go through moderation. I am not in favour of censorship but when an individual uses this space as a soapbox to further promote his political views then as administrator it is time to take action. Mr Mackintosh it seems is hell bent on consigning the PUN to history and it may well be his only success of the year.

St Bernard ‘V’ ‘Mad’ Mackintosh Pre Fight Predictions

The long awaited and much talked about super-heavyweight fight between current champion and heavily fancied (St) Bernard Bateman of Melmerby and the little known, though some say ‘useful’ challenger ‘Mad’ Mackintosh of Kirkgate, Ripon takes place shortly. The match will be decided over several weeks with two stiff letters to the Gazette, six emails or an injunction deciding the winner.
Pre fight shenanigans have begun already with accusations of political misconduct being bandied about at the weigh-in, so it should be a great fight for the lucky ones who have managed to secure tickets for what is already a sell-out.
St Bernard is predicting an early win and the none too generous price of 1-3 currently being offered by Ladbrokes seems to confirm his view but of course there have been upsets in the past and the lesser known challenger certainly shouldn’t be written off and at 2-1 might make a more attractive bet.
Pundits are suggesting that the more experienced and heavier St Bernard should despatch the challenger within the first couple of rounds but others point out that ‘Mad’ is punching well above his weight and may well spring a surprise in the form of a cleverly addressed and well timed email.
Whatever the outcome you can be sure that the PUN will be at ringside to bring you the latest information.

Give it Larg for Dave

Excitement is building with only 3 days to go to the installation of Ripon’s new mayor David (Dave) Parnaby at 11am on Monday. Here he is pictured with his ‘bitch’ or ‘mayoress’ Sylv' whilst trying on the chains of office in the town hall.

Interviewed afterwards Dave said:
“It’s top innit, I nearly add a art attack when they akst me again, we is boaf chuffed up man. Ooo knows…could be assa commons next!”

Mastication Crack Down

Ripon Area Business Association (RABABABA) recently held a Ripon Retail Forum (RRF-FFS) in order to improve Ripon’s performance in the retail market place. They have, it seems, a dream of Utopia – a dream of shining streets, of gleaming shops, of prisoners in striped suits buffing away at the town hall knob! Many of the ideas are laudable, if a little obvious; some are plain farcical.
I think my favourite is the ‘Ban on chewing gum in the city centre’.
I can see the court round up now:
P.C. Mindless said: Oi was proceeding in a westerly doirection when oi observed the defendant masticatin’ in a suspicious manner. Oi could see no pastie about his person so challenged ‘im and upon searchin’ ‘im discovered ‘e was ‘carryin’. That is to say ‘e was found to be in possession of Wrigley’s in a prohibited area yer worshipfulness.

The defendant was described as a persistent and unrepentant offender….magistrate Col’ Spreading-Girth said: “This is the third time you have been before me and taking two related offences in to account – one of reading comical literature in Westgate Ripon, the other of humming tunes by the popular musical combo Radiohead whilst sitting on a bench in the market square – I have no alternative other than to recommend a custodial sentence of not less than ten years. TAKE HIM DOWN!”
Of course, once in prison he can be let out to join the town hall doorknob polishing party, or indeed, the chewing gum removal party.

The new season's range of couture clothing has arrived at 'Ripon's Own Department Store'

Here, Mr Ripon wears a pure polyester sports jacket over black velvet trousers, teamed with a lovely off-white nylon shirt from the ‘Wrinkle Free’ range.

Mrs Ripon (Rita) who chooses all his clothes said “I like him to look smart when he’s in’t shop, it sets such a good example doesn’t it? TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS MR R!”

The new range, available from this weekend, can be viewed at the store from 9 – 5 and as always you can rely on the Ripons to bring that special 70s retro look to the displays, stripping away all superfluous chic.