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Fizz Gone from Cam’s Champagne
8 years ago
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Saturday, 8 December 2012
'I'm Doing The Right Thing', Says Christopher Ian's son
In an exclusive interview with THE PUN, this week, Christopher Ian's son, owner of a Ripon fightclub nightclub, tells how he is helping to ensure that Anti Social Behaviour (ASB) could never happen at the renowned club.
I arrive in the early afternoon and I'm greeted by the Tall, sophisticated, terribly good looking and not in the least bit seedy figure of Christopher Ian's son, He is wearing a bespoke sweatshirt, trendy wrangler jeans & leather style shoes. He shows me round the club: "Of course we're very safety conscious here," he says, waving a long, finely manicured finger at the non slip carpet "Oh yes - the safety of my little soldiers is parachute." Beaming young staff are busy polishing glasses, dusting already spotless shelves & preparing for an evening of lighthearted fun. Christopher Ian's son beams back at them in a paternal way, "They all think I'm terribly good looking you know." But he says it in the most natural way, without a hint of conceit.
"What time does the club open," I ask.
"Oh, well if I can have two bites at the cherries I do: I have a feel for young people, so we like to greet the very young girls, & boys of course, at about 6pm and I like to be hands on to make sure they have as lovely a time as possible, and then the bigger girls, and boys of course, arrive a little later. You see I wouldn't bother with this night club lark only the youngsters would have nowhere to go at night in their short skirts and lipstick and.......Anyway, I like to give them somewhere safe to "Chill" (He waves his fingers in the air) and I like to charge them very little money for their drinks, because I'm terribly kind.....and good looking."
He shows me the toilets which have an indefinable aroma of nostalgia that takes me back to my school days; they are, of course immaculate - the floor still very wet; no doubt from the mop bucket......."You can eat your dinner off the floor in here if you'd like?" says Christopher Ian's son, "Err, no thanks, I've already eaten".
"Do you know," he says, "I don't think anyone's wee'd in here for years - they don't like to spoil it, the little angels, they all do it outside."
On the subject of the young: does he consider them to be disenfranchised?
"Sometimes it may happen outside the club," he says, "the local paper said a girl was being disenchanfrised behind a local restaurant," "but certainly never inside, we're very strict on that sort of thing."
I ask him about the new signage he's put up - what do they say?
"Well, they've got writing on them" he tells me "Writing and some ticks: it'll mean they don't go outside and fight and wee and be poorly all over the place see?"
Outside the club, Christopher Ian's son has erected some railings which he tells me are for leaning on and things like that; he is, he tells me, 'in loco parentheses' whilst the club is open, but he has some stern words for the youngster's parents: "They're feeding them badly," he says, "forcing them to eat vegetables and things like that; well it makes 'em sick. We try and give them plenty of liquids to settle their tummy's but it's the same every weekend - carrots everywhere. Of course, they don't do it in the club, bless 'em; they do it outside, but that's not the point is it? Parents should take responsibility........I'm doing the right thing."
I arrive in the early afternoon and I'm greeted by the Tall, sophisticated, terribly good looking and not in the least bit seedy figure of Christopher Ian's son, He is wearing a bespoke sweatshirt, trendy wrangler jeans & leather style shoes. He shows me round the club: "Of course we're very safety conscious here," he says, waving a long, finely manicured finger at the non slip carpet "Oh yes - the safety of my little soldiers is parachute." Beaming young staff are busy polishing glasses, dusting already spotless shelves & preparing for an evening of lighthearted fun. Christopher Ian's son beams back at them in a paternal way, "They all think I'm terribly good looking you know." But he says it in the most natural way, without a hint of conceit.
"What time does the club open," I ask.
"Oh, well if I can have two bites at the cherries I do: I have a feel for young people, so we like to greet the very young girls, & boys of course, at about 6pm and I like to be hands on to make sure they have as lovely a time as possible, and then the bigger girls, and boys of course, arrive a little later. You see I wouldn't bother with this night club lark only the youngsters would have nowhere to go at night in their short skirts and lipstick and.......Anyway, I like to give them somewhere safe to "Chill" (He waves his fingers in the air) and I like to charge them very little money for their drinks, because I'm terribly kind.....and good looking."
He shows me the toilets which have an indefinable aroma of nostalgia that takes me back to my school days; they are, of course immaculate - the floor still very wet; no doubt from the mop bucket......."You can eat your dinner off the floor in here if you'd like?" says Christopher Ian's son, "Err, no thanks, I've already eaten".
"Do you know," he says, "I don't think anyone's wee'd in here for years - they don't like to spoil it, the little angels, they all do it outside."
On the subject of the young: does he consider them to be disenfranchised?
"Sometimes it may happen outside the club," he says, "the local paper said a girl was being disenchanfrised behind a local restaurant," "but certainly never inside, we're very strict on that sort of thing."
I ask him about the new signage he's put up - what do they say?
"Well, they've got writing on them" he tells me "Writing and some ticks: it'll mean they don't go outside and fight and wee and be poorly all over the place see?"
Outside the club, Christopher Ian's son has erected some railings which he tells me are for leaning on and things like that; he is, he tells me, 'in loco parentheses' whilst the club is open, but he has some stern words for the youngster's parents: "They're feeding them badly," he says, "forcing them to eat vegetables and things like that; well it makes 'em sick. We try and give them plenty of liquids to settle their tummy's but it's the same every weekend - carrots everywhere. Of course, they don't do it in the club, bless 'em; they do it outside, but that's not the point is it? Parents should take responsibility........I'm doing the right thing."
Friday, 7 December 2012
Harrogate Tops Drink Driving List
Yes it's true: in an effort to escape the unmitigated tedium of middle class, middle of the road life in Harrogate, drivers are getting shit-faced on a nice little Riesling from the Alsace they found at Weeton's, Jumping into their cars and heading - well - anywhere that doesn't have a Betty's.
Of course Harrogate plod are wise to it and are rounding them up and chucking them in clink as fast as they can:
"They're like lemmings sir," said Sgt Smallboner "we can't keep up with 'em sir."
The miscreants are being given community service which consists of taking up seats in Betty's, drinking earl grey tea and eating scones and jam until they have returned to average.
Here's one young man just before his arrest:
Monday, 3 December 2012
Barking
Ripon Mare and well known crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams let his dog Judy - Chairdog of Greater Ripon Impotent Persons Executive (GRIPE), off her lead again at a meeting in the town hall last week. After twenty minutes scampering around, pissing on the carpet and trying to hump an ex Mare's leg, she started barking uncontrollably:
"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.
"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.
"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.
"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.
"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.
"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."
Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.
In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.
"I believe every shop is good for Ripon," she yapped.
"Sit Judy," squeaked (Andy), patting her on the head.
"Costa opens on a Sunday and provides jobs for local people," Yipped the exited Judy, piddling on the carpet again.
"Good doggy," crooned the Mare, edging away.
"The burning issue at the moment is the number of empty shops and no amount of wishing will provide a Marks & Spencer or a Pizza Express in Ripon. That's not the way the world works," Growled Judy, frothing at the mouth.
"Nice doggy," quavered (Andy) adding to the dampness of the carpet, "Nice little doggy."
Now you might think that Mare (Andy) would have taken control of her at this point and snapped on the muzzle, but why have a dog and bark yourself, particularly when the dog is of what the plod are pleased to call the 'pit bull type'? Also, as is often the case with this particular breed, there's precious little difference between the intelligence of the dog and that of its owner. So, Judy yapped on and on, pissing off not only those present, but the whole of Ripon.
In the event, the sorry evening was brought to a close when Judy took a substantial chunk out of the seat of (Andy's) trousers and HBC dog warden had to be called to take her, snarling and drooling, away.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Costa Meet Their Match
Costa Coffee, the company infamous for bullying their way onto our nation's high streets, with or without planning permission have, it seems reached their nadir as Ripon's 'No to Costa' campaign swings into well oiled action.
Of course, other towns have attempted to fight off the coffee chain, but all (save the one notable exception of Totnes in Devon) have failed. Totnes launched a long running, well co-ordinated and vociferous campaign, led by a highly motivated core of activists backed by the loud & largely united voices of the townsfolk. Ripon has adopted a different, more subtle approach, fielding five people on the market square looking glum. The 'Glum 5', as they have become known, are backed by a populous, united in their feigned apathy, and my goodness: what feigned apathy! Of course, this is all a mask to lull Costa's management in to a false sense of security - as soon as they let their guard down (& let it down they will), the clarion will sound & Riponians will rise up as one and man the gingham covered barricades.
It will be a stirring day indeed when this political leviathan awakes & rumbles into action; or perhaps, & more likely, the sight of the 'Glum 5' alone will be enough to persuade the good folk at Costa to call off the signwriters & shopfitters & move on. In either case, prepare yourself dear reader, for your leader may call, and you may be required to lay down your signature for the cause.
Of course, other towns have attempted to fight off the coffee chain, but all (save the one notable exception of Totnes in Devon) have failed. Totnes launched a long running, well co-ordinated and vociferous campaign, led by a highly motivated core of activists backed by the loud & largely united voices of the townsfolk. Ripon has adopted a different, more subtle approach, fielding five people on the market square looking glum. The 'Glum 5', as they have become known, are backed by a populous, united in their feigned apathy, and my goodness: what feigned apathy! Of course, this is all a mask to lull Costa's management in to a false sense of security - as soon as they let their guard down (& let it down they will), the clarion will sound & Riponians will rise up as one and man the gingham covered barricades.
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| photo courtesy of Ripon Gazette |
It will be a stirring day indeed when this political leviathan awakes & rumbles into action; or perhaps, & more likely, the sight of the 'Glum 5' alone will be enough to persuade the good folk at Costa to call off the signwriters & shopfitters & move on. In either case, prepare yourself dear reader, for your leader may call, and you may be required to lay down your signature for the cause.
Friday, 2 November 2012
Count the costa Costa
What a wet bunch Ripon shop owners are readers: they've squeaked and squeaked about how utterly dreadful it would be if Costa Coffee came to Ripon, but not one of them has done a thing about it; in fact one of them, who shall remain nameless (or not), has been witless enough to state in the HARROGATE, Knaresborough & Ripon Gazette, that it will be GOOD for the town! Don (Whillans) Grundy (who, would you believe, is secretary of Ripon Chamber of Trade & Commerce) says that 'brands' such as Costa will bring people to Ripon!.....Poor man has clearly suffered some recent traumatic brain injury. NO-ONE is going to get in their car and drive to Ripon for a cup of Costa coffee!
Here's Don with his carer after the aforementioned blow to the head:
Yes - unfortunately he did have to be straightjacketed, but on the bright side he was given some balloons to play with.
And what, I think I can hear you ask, were Ripon Council doing about the application? Well astoundingly (yes you are astounded) they were doing nothing. Nowt. Zilch. Bugger all! HBC tells us that no objections were received from Ripon City Council - NOT ONE; in fact they've urged us all to look on the bright side. We can only hope the bright side is that they have all resigned by the end of the week. Oh! it IS the end of the week.
Here's Don with his carer after the aforementioned blow to the head:
Yes - unfortunately he did have to be straightjacketed, but on the bright side he was given some balloons to play with.
And what, I think I can hear you ask, were Ripon Council doing about the application? Well astoundingly (yes you are astounded) they were doing nothing. Nowt. Zilch. Bugger all! HBC tells us that no objections were received from Ripon City Council - NOT ONE; in fact they've urged us all to look on the bright side. We can only hope the bright side is that they have all resigned by the end of the week. Oh! it IS the end of the week.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Plodding Along
You may have heard that the middle class, moaning minnies in Kirkgate are getting fed up with the misunderstood youngsters from Matrix vomiting in the street, pissing in doorways and kicking shit out of each other in the evenings; typical - you'd think they'd never been young! They've been bleating to the local plod and trying to curry favour with our councillors via the medium of Twitter.
You will be pleased to hear that the authorities in question are having none of it. In an exclusive interview for The Pun, Sgt Jewel of the local constabulary said, "Can you imagine sir, the amount of paperwork the lads would have to do, if we started arresting violent people sir?" "Why sir, they'd be at it arf the night so they would sir.......You see sir: we, and the great British public, view paperwork as a waste of police time sir; so we try not to do any".
Harb tried to get an interview with the councillors responsible for the Kirkgate area, Councillors See No-Evil and See No-Evil but they were far to busy trying on dresses for the next procession to be bothered with such trivialities.
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Easy Rider - the return
Things have changed and the once sedate streets of Ripon have become a dangerous place – mothers, hold on to your children and woe-betide the unwary. Traffic has increased ten-fold and it’s not just the bling encrusted taxi drivers, the truculent truck drivers, or the racing repmobiles that cause 
me to leap into doorways lest I be mown down; oh no! It’s the pedestrians……They’ve been motorised! Once a steady stream; now a raging torrent: the river of waist high grey heads race along grinning maniacally and tooting their horns. No need the little tartan shopping trolley now; cast aside the zimmer and the stick. Shopmobility has come to town with a vengeance, and there ain’t room in this town for the both of us. Bruce Springsteen should write the soundtrack to their ‘Re-born to be Wild’ lives and Dennis Hopper direct the ‘footpath’ movie ‘Octogenarian Easy Rider’ Thursday a.m. sees them laying the rubber down in the standing three quarter to the market square – Legs are thrown over saddles (though not necessarily still attached to their owners) and the one horsepower of the apocalypse given full throttle. This is no place to be caught out in the street; it’s the quick and the nearly dead.The once slow march towards the gates of St Peter has become a headlong charge, a terrifying cavalcade of frothing, toothless mouths and waving nostril hair, heading for Valhalla via Carricks fish stall.
me to leap into doorways lest I be mown down; oh no! It’s the pedestrians……They’ve been motorised! Once a steady stream; now a raging torrent: the river of waist high grey heads race along grinning maniacally and tooting their horns. No need the little tartan shopping trolley now; cast aside the zimmer and the stick. Shopmobility has come to town with a vengeance, and there ain’t room in this town for the both of us. Bruce Springsteen should write the soundtrack to their ‘Re-born to be Wild’ lives and Dennis Hopper direct the ‘footpath’ movie ‘Octogenarian Easy Rider’ Thursday a.m. sees them laying the rubber down in the standing three quarter to the market square – Legs are thrown over saddles (though not necessarily still attached to their owners) and the one horsepower of the apocalypse given full throttle. This is no place to be caught out in the street; it’s the quick and the nearly dead.The once slow march towards the gates of St Peter has become a headlong charge, a terrifying cavalcade of frothing, toothless mouths and waving nostril hair, heading for Valhalla via Carricks fish stall.
Thursday, 11 October 2012
Does my head look big in this?
Another little spat has broken out on the social networking site, Twitter, between local MP Julian (Smiffy) Smith & Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb err - Councillor Stan Mickley & present Ripon Mare Andrew (Andy) Williams.
Smiffy says 'NO! Stop prancing around in fancy dress and go and do something useful instead', but Coun Stick Manley is umm sticking to his guns and reckons that without the 'Emperor's clothes they will have no gravitas or authority - Yer right there Stick! 'Most people aren't as clever as what me and (Andy) are', said Mickley, 'they don't understand about politics and clever stuff like that, and feckless young people couldn't give a monkey's'.
Also interviewed by the Harrogate, Knareborough & Ripon Gazette (Andy) Williams said he intended to keep his important clothes because he is impotent and anyway he said, 'Me and Stan are forming a hymn singing combo with 33% ladies and we need to look smart'.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
De Rigueur
Early evening found me strolling around a damp and somewhat desolate town centre. A dispiriting experience you might think, and so it was until there, in the window of a local hostelry was the bright and cheery sight of a Christmas tree! Not, as you might think, in a 'low dive'; no! This was a posh joint, where slacks would not look out of place and golf seems a reasonable topic of conversation. One imagines they are using irony; rather in the way that Americans use it when wearing white tie at an evening that is very clearly black tie.
Monday, 24 September 2012
Problems Snowball
The perennial and you might rightly think, tedious topic of parking has raised its head again, though not in its usual guise of 'Why can't we park all over the market square'. No...... this time there is a new twist to the saga. A small row is brewing over on Twitter about Cllr Andrew (Andy) Williams, Ripon crooner & current Mare and the fact that he has his own designated parking space on the south (pedestrianised) side of the square. 'Why should he have a parking space at all,' it was asked, 'is he, in some way, better than the rest of us?' (insert your own answer here!)
But then another grain of sand was introduced into (Andy's) Vaseline: Not only does he use the space to park for official business, alleged the Tweeter, but also when drinking in what was described as 'Spoons.
So, the question should be asked.....If he is using his space whilst sipping at a Snowball or two, should he not be doing so in one of the many independent drinking establishments in the town rather than putting his money in the till of a Watford based company and its distant and, no doubt, minted shareholders?
Here he is with his official chauffeur rolling in for another 'sesh' at 'Spoons: "A Snowball and a half shandy for my driver landlord!"
Addendum: This is not the only storm kicking off over in Twitter-land.......
See here
But then another grain of sand was introduced into (Andy's) Vaseline: Not only does he use the space to park for official business, alleged the Tweeter, but also when drinking in what was described as 'Spoons.
So, the question should be asked.....If he is using his space whilst sipping at a Snowball or two, should he not be doing so in one of the many independent drinking establishments in the town rather than putting his money in the till of a Watford based company and its distant and, no doubt, minted shareholders?
Here he is with his official chauffeur rolling in for another 'sesh' at 'Spoons: "A Snowball and a half shandy for my driver landlord!"
See here
Reasons to be cheerful (part 3)
Ripon Hornblower
George Pickles (Pickles the noun, not the verb!) A fine ambassador for Ripon. Keep up the good work George.
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Twits?
So Ripon City Council are now on Facebook and Twitter! A step in the right direction would you say? Perhaps it will be utilised as an open forum for debate - a place where the people of the town can air their views and get a response; or perhaps it will simply be yet another opportunity for councillors to post photos of themselves dressed up like a herd of pantomime dames (collective noun for pantomime dames?? A widow of dames - a twanky - a stage?). Of course, most people do use social media such as this for verbal twattery and posting pictures of themselves and friends looking ridiculous but since this is the default position of our esteemed (sic) council it would be nice to see them taking a new direction.
I've just had a comment from Anon asking is this a picture of the Ripon Mare. Don't be silly Anon - it looks nothing like the Mare; this is he:
Friday, 14 September 2012
Do You Really Want Costa Coffee In Ripon?
Do you want another blight on the townscape of Ripon? Another haemorrhage of your money to a multi-national chain? Have a look here: www.notocosta.co.uk
Just as Ripon is beginning to shuffle grudgingly towards the 21st Century with the opening of some interesting, independent shops, coffee shops, wine bars and galleries the last thing it needs is to be dragged backwards by another cheap chain purveying its homogenous shite.
So, Ripon Council, Harrogate Borough Council: What are you going to do about it? As if we didn't know
Just as Ripon is beginning to shuffle grudgingly towards the 21st Century with the opening of some interesting, independent shops, coffee shops, wine bars and galleries the last thing it needs is to be dragged backwards by another cheap chain purveying its homogenous shite.
So, Ripon Council, Harrogate Borough Council: What are you going to do about it? As if we didn't know
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
Jumping Ship
Ripon has been ill served by it's local paper for some time now. Devoid as it is of any attempt at investigative journalism, the local rag seems content to publish endless photographs of pubescent schoolgirls wiggling their little tits at the camera at the loathsomely ubiquitous 'school proms' which have slithered into our consciousness courtesy of our equally abhorrent 'special relationship'. Interspersed between the adolescent cleavage are the tedious platitudes of assorted 'Mare's Diaries' where we learn how delighted they are, how much they have enjoyed, how they are looking forward to, but not, we notice, what they have achieved.
There are, of course some reasonably significant issues to tackle in this town, but now the news hounds have jumped ship and doggy paddled for all they're worth to the more genteel shores of 'Harrow-gate', better known as Betty's, we can, I suppose, only expect more of the same trivial tosh we've been subjected to for the past couple of years.
At £1.20 you might think the Ripon Gazette represents pretty poor value for money........and you may well be right!
There are, of course some reasonably significant issues to tackle in this town, but now the news hounds have jumped ship and doggy paddled for all they're worth to the more genteel shores of 'Harrow-gate', better known as Betty's, we can, I suppose, only expect more of the same trivial tosh we've been subjected to for the past couple of years.
At £1.20 you might think the Ripon Gazette represents pretty poor value for money........and you may well be right!
Monday, 6 August 2012
The world's worst nightclub?
What do these two buildings have in common other than they have remained empty for an age - in the case of Azores - years?
Could it be that they are unfortunate enough to be in close proximity to this blot on the landscape?
Who in their right mind would open a restaurant opposite the Matrix?
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
Busy Errr.......
Ripon Mare & crooner Andrew (ANDY) Williams and his backing group, The Serviettes were in concert in the town hall last night and although no-one attended, (Andy) said 'It a huge success and everyone enjoyed themselves and I wore my chain and my furry collar and I polished my shoes and parked in my special parking place on the market square which is only for me because I'm the Mare of Ripon and when you are impotent you have to look impotent. I stand at the front because I'm the most impotent and the Serviettes stand a bit behind me. I've got a hat as well'.
After the flop of his 'Greatest Hits album three years ago (Andy's) latest release 'Busy Doin' Nothing Again' is set to sell four copies and go plastic. You can snap up your copy at the pound shop remainder bin.
After the flop of his 'Greatest Hits album three years ago (Andy's) latest release 'Busy Doin' Nothing Again' is set to sell four copies and go plastic. You can snap up your copy at the pound shop remainder bin.
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
FOUL. FOUL! Addendum to 'Plod Says Non' (16th July)
Following the barring of several campaigners (Harbinger included) from posting, or indeed receiving posts from their @RiponPolice Twitter page, the eponymous plod have now asked: "Would it be useful to hold an online meeting about Ripon city centre issues". Ha! So this is what they mean by 'public consultation'.
Shame
Rebekah Brooks says she's shocked and dismayed to find herself charged in the wake of the Leveson enquiry........NOBODY ELSE IS LOVE!
Monday, 23 July 2012
New Dawn
The day breaks oe'r yonder hill and I must make haste and be about the daily grind.
This distant view of our absurd little town from my humble abode, an outsiders view if you like, only serves to clarify and magnify its faults and foibles. It's a town of taxi driver mentality, ruled over and shat upon by the old order of puffed up nepotists for whom change is anathema; reported upon and held to account by no-one.
Williams, Bateman, Skidmore, Horton, Hawke et al have stood in the path of progress for so long that we have become blind to it, and now the inertia, the acceptance of status quo, has insinuated itself into all aspects of political and commercial life. Even the silly, timid shopkeepers are afraid to attempt anything that hasn't been tried and failed before.
It may be that the ills that afflict this little town are simply a reflection of the greater ills that dog the country as a whole, but is that a reason to continue stumbling drunkenly down a blind alley?
We must get rid of the old order before anything can move forward. They have the gaul to continue to put themselves up for election so vote the buggers out at the earliest opportunity - we will all be the better for it.
Williams, Bateman, Skidmore, Horton, Hawke et al have stood in the path of progress for so long that we have become blind to it, and now the inertia, the acceptance of status quo, has insinuated itself into all aspects of political and commercial life. Even the silly, timid shopkeepers are afraid to attempt anything that hasn't been tried and failed before.
It may be that the ills that afflict this little town are simply a reflection of the greater ills that dog the country as a whole, but is that a reason to continue stumbling drunkenly down a blind alley?
We must get rid of the old order before anything can move forward. They have the gaul to continue to put themselves up for election so vote the buggers out at the earliest opportunity - we will all be the better for it.
Saturday, 21 July 2012
Traffic Light Downhill
In an effort to solve the perennial parking problem in Ripon, Harrogate Borough Council have hit upon an ingenious idea: it involves almost no planning and indeed no thought process whatsoever, which is fortunate as our beloved (sic) council is woefully inept on both fronts. The great thing about this plan is that it is all inclusive, in that you end up parking even if you don't want to. Yes, it's the brilliant introduction of a jolly, flashing array of traffic lights. We used to have a hill here in Ripon almost universally known as 'Traffic Light Hill' - a redundant nomenclature now since EVERY hill and junction has its own set of Blinking Blight Lights.
Traffic lights take our eyes off the road. They make us stop when it's safe to go. They cause congestion and needless delay. They outlaw discretion, defy common sense, encourage speeding and license aggression. They waste fuel, deface streetscapes and pollute the air. They cost the Earth to install and run. By contrast, when lights are out of action, courtesy thrives and congestion dissolves.
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Woof Woof Zzzzzzzz
Apparently the 'Same Tired Rabble of Impotent Politicos (STRIP) is in the running for the second round of the 'Portas Pilot' scheme, so it looks like we may well be in for another comedy video..... If you didn't see the last one click this link - laugh? Harbinger's pants are still on the line!
Not only did the presenters of this 'docu/comedy/flic' look as though they had died some months ago and had subsequently been stuffed for the occasion, but the ideas promulgated were at best misguided and at worst ludicrous.
They wouldn't dream of using the same video again would they? Do you think? NO!
Judith Donovan CBE barks at the camera like a demented bulldog, yapping about the tragic loss to the town of multiples such as Curry's and the much esteemed Bon Marche?!? Then wistfully dribbles on about a new Tesco store opening in Harrogate - Oh woe! If only WE could have another supermarket!!
One of the best, and most curious moments is when Ms Donovan informs us that we are now calling ourselves: 'North Yorkshire's Capital of Culture & City of Celebration'. She's serious ffs; a city less stuffed with culture would be hard to find!!
The then Lord Mare, Coun' Mick Stanley sidles on and gurns at us from the urine scented alley leading to Ripon's retail saviour, 'Booths' which he tells us will be painted with scenes from Lewis Carroll stories.....They'll look lovely Mick; especially when they've been 'enhanced' by the young folk of the town (bless their little hearts) and the town's wildlife (sorry - I've already mentioned them) have pissed all over them.
What a shame Ripon crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams wasn't in office at the time; he, and his backing group,The Serviettes could have sung the theme tune.
STRIP was, we're told, set up 3 years ago to tackle Ripon's economic regeneration. One wonders in which millennia they were thinking of bringing this about because Harbinger has seen precious little evidence of it thus far!
Not only did the presenters of this 'docu/comedy/flic' look as though they had died some months ago and had subsequently been stuffed for the occasion, but the ideas promulgated were at best misguided and at worst ludicrous.
They wouldn't dream of using the same video again would they? Do you think? NO!
Judith Donovan CBE barks at the camera like a demented bulldog, yapping about the tragic loss to the town of multiples such as Curry's and the much esteemed Bon Marche?!? Then wistfully dribbles on about a new Tesco store opening in Harrogate - Oh woe! If only WE could have another supermarket!!
One of the best, and most curious moments is when Ms Donovan informs us that we are now calling ourselves: 'North Yorkshire's Capital of Culture & City of Celebration'. She's serious ffs; a city less stuffed with culture would be hard to find!!
The then Lord Mare, Coun' Mick Stanley sidles on and gurns at us from the urine scented alley leading to Ripon's retail saviour, 'Booths' which he tells us will be painted with scenes from Lewis Carroll stories.....They'll look lovely Mick; especially when they've been 'enhanced' by the young folk of the town (bless their little hearts) and the town's wildlife (sorry - I've already mentioned them) have pissed all over them.
What a shame Ripon crooner Andrew (Andy) Williams wasn't in office at the time; he, and his backing group,The Serviettes could have sung the theme tune.
STRIP was, we're told, set up 3 years ago to tackle Ripon's economic regeneration. One wonders in which millennia they were thinking of bringing this about because Harbinger has seen precious little evidence of it thus far!
Monday, 16 July 2012
Plod Says Non!
All kicking off on Twitter where plod puts his size fifteen down, shoves his fingers in his ears and says "I'm not listening, La la la la la la la la la la la la".
Several Tweeters including at least one local trader and the mysterious 'Ripon Re-generator' have been banned from posting on the Ripon police Twitter page...... 'It must be because they were giving abuse', you might think to yourself, but non!
Now, plod is quite happy to use the medium to tell us how we should be driving, how much we should be drinking and when. They are quite happy to promulgate their own agenda and yet when deficiencies in their policing of the city are pointed out to them with a little tongue in cheek humour, both bat and ball are snatched away and whisked home to the station with a stamp of the foot and a 'yah boo sucks'.
Here's something for them to ponder: If you join in with social media then you must abide by the unwritten rules of that media - you must be willing to take the rough with the smooth - to accept a certain amount of friendly criticism where criticism is due. GROW UP PLOD!
P.S. Harbinger is pleased to say he too is one of the outcasts. In the words of the great Woolfie Smith:
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!
Several Tweeters including at least one local trader and the mysterious 'Ripon Re-generator' have been banned from posting on the Ripon police Twitter page...... 'It must be because they were giving abuse', you might think to yourself, but non!
Now, plod is quite happy to use the medium to tell us how we should be driving, how much we should be drinking and when. They are quite happy to promulgate their own agenda and yet when deficiencies in their policing of the city are pointed out to them with a little tongue in cheek humour, both bat and ball are snatched away and whisked home to the station with a stamp of the foot and a 'yah boo sucks'.
Here's something for them to ponder: If you join in with social media then you must abide by the unwritten rules of that media - you must be willing to take the rough with the smooth - to accept a certain amount of friendly criticism where criticism is due. GROW UP PLOD!
P.S. Harbinger is pleased to say he too is one of the outcasts. In the words of the great Woolfie Smith:
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!!
Friday, 13 July 2012
Having A Lovely Time
Ripon crooner and Lord Mare, Andrew (Andy) Williams, has been informing the world (well, the Ripon Gazette reader) that he's having a lovely time dressing up and going to things. He's been to concerts & tea parties, tombolas & scout jamborees. He's been at pirate parties and he's done a bit of standing on the market square; and all this, on our behalf! he has, he informs his reader, been to meetings too......Well whoopdidoodle!
What Harbinger would like to hear about is accomplishment, implementation, achievements, successes; even some failures. ACTION is what we want to hear about, not tea parties. There's a hell of a lot to do in this town before anyone can pat themselves on the back and march up and down in self congratulation.
Did he read, one wonders, the article by the sweet and fragrant Katharine Viner in the Gruaniad? Did he consider that it might be he and his cronies who are "giving the word 'civic' a bad name"? One suspects not - Does my arse look big in this?
So just as Nero fiddled while Rome went up in smoke, (Andy) fiddles with himself whilst Ripon sinks.
The Shit's about to hit the fan (Andy) so stand WELL clear!
What Harbinger would like to hear about is accomplishment, implementation, achievements, successes; even some failures. ACTION is what we want to hear about, not tea parties. There's a hell of a lot to do in this town before anyone can pat themselves on the back and march up and down in self congratulation.
Did he read, one wonders, the article by the sweet and fragrant Katharine Viner in the Gruaniad? Did he consider that it might be he and his cronies who are "giving the word 'civic' a bad name"? One suspects not - Does my arse look big in this?
So just as Nero fiddled while Rome went up in smoke, (Andy) fiddles with himself whilst Ripon sinks.
The Shit's about to hit the fan (Andy) so stand WELL clear!
Reasons to be cheerful (Part 2)
Eccentric and a little old fashioned, Benson's is another long established business in Ripon. You can buy a box of nails, a screw, wellington boots, a door stop, a fishing rod, one of those things for the end of a walking stick and you get a bit of banter whilst you're at it. Let's not exchange it for a DIY store!
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
HBC Sued By Grieving Parents
The 'parking in Kirkgate' issue is gathering momentum over on Twitter with a deal of 're-tweeting' going on and the local constabibulary joining in (if only to sit precariously on the fence). So far as I can tell, the council have not as yet deigned to reply but that kind of arrogance seems to be their default position.
So....Here's the sign, and it seems pretty clear doesn't it? PEDESTRIAN ZONE and NO WAITING AT ANY TIME.
Surprisingly, this doesn't mean 'except when I want to pick up me Chinky' or 'I'm an overweight taxi driver so I can go where I please'.
The summer holidays are on their way and soon the restaurants of Kirkgate will be busy with holidaymakers. Picture the scene: An early evening restaurant. A middle class family (Guardian readers). The children finish eating and are fidgeting and restless so they are allowed into the safe, cobbled and pedestrianised street to play.
10 minutes go by and then there is a screeching noise and a sickening thud. Silence. Sound of running. A car door slams. Shrieking.
Caught on camera below, is a graphic demonstration of how close we have already come to this scenario being tragically played out. These children ran out from between parked cars and were almost hit by the driver who slammed his brakes on in time.
The outcome is not hard to imagine is it folks: one dead or seriously injured child and two very VERY angry, middle class, Guardian reading parents looking to sue the ass of anyone found to be
NEGLIGENT
First port of call for their London lawyers: Yep; you guessed it; Harrogate Borough Council and OUCH! That's going to be some compensation claim
Second visit I suspect would be our friendly constabibulary who would also appear to have failed in their duties.
The solution is simplicity itself of course:
Enforce the pedestrian zone
Monday, 9 July 2012
Quiz
Kirkgate is Ripon's 'Shambles'
That's what they say ain't it? And no wonder, they share so much common ground: both have some lovely old buildings dating back to the 15th century, both lead to magnificent and important ecclesiastical structures and both were painted by the great British artist, Turner. They are now tourist attractions, shopping destinations and have many cafes, bars and restaurants.
So, here's a little photo quiz to see how well you know the two ancient streets and here to start you off: Shambles or Kirkgate?
Tough one? Here's another:
Bet that's got you thinking. And another, Shambles or Kirkgate? Careful - is that the cathedral or the minster?
This one doesn't give much away but you might be able to work it out:
Here's a tricky one we've been a bit sneaky and blanked the name out, but the clues are all there, both in the text and the obvious civic pride in this lovely plaque.
O.k. Here's a couple more courtesy of Leeds Housing Assoc': a couple of ancient and well cared for doorways from the street, but is it Kirkgate or is it the Shambles?
So.....How did you get on? Not an easy quiz I know and it goes to show that Kirkgate really is, 'A Shambles'
That's what they say ain't it? And no wonder, they share so much common ground: both have some lovely old buildings dating back to the 15th century, both lead to magnificent and important ecclesiastical structures and both were painted by the great British artist, Turner. They are now tourist attractions, shopping destinations and have many cafes, bars and restaurants.
So, here's a little photo quiz to see how well you know the two ancient streets and here to start you off: Shambles or Kirkgate?
Tough one? Here's another:
Bet that's got you thinking. And another, Shambles or Kirkgate? Careful - is that the cathedral or the minster?
This one doesn't give much away but you might be able to work it out:
Here's a tricky one we've been a bit sneaky and blanked the name out, but the clues are all there, both in the text and the obvious civic pride in this lovely plaque.
O.k. Here's a couple more courtesy of Leeds Housing Assoc': a couple of ancient and well cared for doorways from the street, but is it Kirkgate or is it the Shambles?
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Reasons To Be Cheerful (part 1)
Appleton's
Long established in the market square, Appleton's has changed hands and is in the process of refurbishment. Always good, the changes have made the place even better with a much lighter and airier feel. Oh! and the pork pies are still the best on the planet.
Whilst I was there it seemed foolish not to have a light snack:
Web: http://www.appletonsbutchers.co.uk/
Long established in the market square, Appleton's has changed hands and is in the process of refurbishment. Always good, the changes have made the place even better with a much lighter and airier feel. Oh! and the pork pies are still the best on the planet.
Whilst I was there it seemed foolish not to have a light snack:
Web: http://www.appletonsbutchers.co.uk/
Friday, 6 July 2012
'It's 'ell in there'.
Harbinger is getting reports that an incident is in progress at the high security, Ripon Prison Museum, where Gregg's Doughnut is still being held without charge (See: 'Who the hell is Harbinger', 21st June). Reports say that at 09:26 this morning sounds of a scuffle and shouting emerged from the building and what may have been a shot was fired; though there has been no confirmation of this.
At 12:10 a figure was seen on the roof of the building but as yet it has not been possible to identify him.
First brought to Harbinger's attention by Ripon Gazette's campaign to free the unfortunate Doughnut, fears for his health and safety cannot be overstated, given the prison museum's lamentable record on human rights.
'It's 'ell in there', an ex inmate said today, 'violence and torture are common. I wouldn't want to be in 'is shoes I wouldn't!'
Speaking for the prison museum, Sgt' Cyril Cuffum said, 'That Doughnut, 'e's a wrong 'un an' no mistake. Oh yes: 'e might come over all la di da - what yer might call, sweet an sugary, but give 'im 'alf a chance an' 'e'll 'ave the skin off yer knuckles - Ere, 'ave a butchers at what 'e's done to the toecaps of me boots. Just you wait 'till I get at 'im!'
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Haven't we been here before?
'Joined up thinking is what Ripon needs' - so squeaks the All new, slightly bigger, slightly smaller, but almost empty Ripon Gazette in this week's editorial. Factions within the city have apparently come together to achieve a common goal - the collective aim 'to bring people into the city centre'.
Now just how do Ripon councillors, GRIP and whomsoever else is involved, weigh this with the opening of an even larger shopping complex on the very outskirts of Ripon? Make no mistake, this is the choice you have folks:
It would be a surprise to Harbinger if many of the people involved in these various factions can manage joined up writing; let alone joined up thinking.
Now just how do Ripon councillors, GRIP and whomsoever else is involved, weigh this with the opening of an even larger shopping complex on the very outskirts of Ripon? Make no mistake, this is the choice you have folks:
It would be a surprise to Harbinger if many of the people involved in these various factions can manage joined up writing; let alone joined up thinking.
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Whitby
Yesterday was a day of fresh vistas and new horizons. Yes - In a spirit of selfless culinary investigation (as apposed to self investigation - a wholly different concept!), your roving reporter Harb flung his leg over the trusty old motor - bicycle and zipped off to the seaside again.
A first stop at Saltburn for coffee and croissant only went to prove the old adage that you can take the Harb out of Ripon but you can't take Ripon out of the Harb:
Then on to Whitby, picturesque in the sunshine and what a riot of colour it was too: so many of you in brightly hued synthetic sports clothing - it warms the heart to see the nation in full support of this, our olympic year. Even the morbidly obese (due, no doubt, to hormone imbalance) who one might expect would be disinclined to take part in strenuous activity, had clearly just snapped off a session at the gym; decked out as they were in the colours of team adidas and Nike and sweating freely.
First I had to find an old friend who I knew would be at a local beauty spot but the place seemed soulless and deserted.
Turning round however, I caught sight of the old familiar, cheerful face of my friend and colleague and with the day set fair we headed to a little place I know for lunch and the purpose of today's trip.....FISH & CHIPS!
We were greeted by a charming young man with a lisp and a lot of jewellery - he seemed to take a shine to us. We ordered a pint of Deuchars ale each and ordered the food. The young man gave me the order slip, "Number 69", he lisped, and do you know? There was something rummy about the way he said it....... We sat down.
The food came after about ten minutes and you'll never guess......... It was brilliant. No it was, I promise you. The batter was crisp and golden, the fish was firm, white and as fresh as a piece of fresh fish, the chips were perfectly cooked and there were plenty of peas to throw about the floor. All this coupled with a really good pint of beer and the aforementioned view, made for a splendid lunch. Don't go there though - it was busy enough as it was and I don't want to have to ask you to leave.
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